Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Confessional.

Ok so this is a place for confessions, or confusion- take your pick. The new year is coming up soon, and I thought that after recent events it's time to fess up to some of the fucked up shit that's gone on the past couple of years. I think that maybe this is purely therpeutic for myself, as in when I see this all written out, I either see that I, too am human and make mistakes, or that I am a heinous bitch, who had it all coming.
I didn't think I was really that bad of a person until I moved back home after graduating and finishing my job up in Myrtle Beach. I pretty much burnt every bridge I could have that lead me back home. Not all of the were my fault either. I'm not just saying that either because I hope not all of them were my fault- I know not all of these burnt bridges were my fault.
Anyway, so we'll just start a list- and at the end of this "therapy session" I will hopefully feel better or atleast no where to start in mending my flaws, if it's even feasible to do so.
OK, so I was told in a roundabout way that I'm the type of person that people need protection from. "Ouch....go on," I reply. (Really I'm not bitter I'm just laying this out as it was laid out to me, of course with my own analysis- this does not mean that I understood the true meaning behind this- again it's my interpretation.) Alright, so I get the "well when you get around your friends it's total drama." Now, I'm taking that as someone needs to protect themselves from this group of girls because we start drama. Cool, I can handle that. It's not our fault that my closest high school clique were that close. I sure as hell did not go around trying to ruin people's relationships despite what a couple very misinformed sources may think. We were in high school and who is truly ready for "the relationship" in high school. I think what is weird is that I had two really good friends in high school, like long ass friendships. One ended for reasons I'm not really sure of. I'm not mad at her, I don't think she's a whore. She just needed to get herself together and I couldn't stand by and watch what was going on anymore. And also, I was at a different school and we just truly grew apart. But I love her to death and I know she's back on track now. Not to sound like an asshole- but I'm proud of her. We went through a lot together and got into some crazy shit together. I wish we could've both gone to the same school, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. Another point- I remember being a senior in high school and listening to my ex-friend's mom tell her daughter and I that we would be making a mistake by not going to the same school as each other because we need each other. Ok I see your point, and yet I raise you a I'm set in my ways, and if we should really go to the same school, then she'll come to Wesleyan. That didn't work. I almost transferred out my freshman year only to get dicked over on an apartment situation. Live in Morgantown alone? I don't think so, fuckyouverymuch. So I stayed at Wesleyan- best decision for all involved parties. Here's another thing- all my friends came to vist me, in a completely dead town that was a peon in comparison to places like Morgantown on gamedays and weekends. But still, they came to see me. I never really said thank you. I never once said wow, I never realized how much you spend on gas and no to mention alcohol to come party with me. Sure you sleep on my floor or whatever (___) but still, I never thought to make friends my freshman year of college because I had my two friends, one of whom visited every weekend and was my going out buddy. Then I introduced her to a guy and they hit if off great and the rest is history on their end. But I was going through relationship after bad relationship, feeling left out and taken advantage of for a place to shower and pregame before the frat parties, so I got mad, sure jealousy was a factor, and ended a four year friendship. The next two years were off and on, and we kinda got over the stupid shit or so I thought. I felt like she had changed into someone I didn't know. And I guess I should've just been like, "Ok she's happy, people move on, people fall in love. It's not your time so get over it." But no, I sucked. She didn't make it any easier either. I heard one side, the saw actions that contradicted it. So forget that. I just kinda let us grow apart with out any hesitation. THEN, like the last fucking minute after my junior year, I make the mistake of talking to someone- in all honesty- about their current situation. Regardless, it didn't get very far, and I wanted them to leave (other people were there too, to corraborate my story. ) This person is not happythat things are going differently than planned as I'm schooing them out my door, and then about four weeks later, I'm a completely horrible person and deserve nothing in life. What a bunch of horseshit! I don't hear shit from you in like months and then all the sudden I'm the one who is the parasite. It took two. I really just wish the truth would've came out. I didn't have it in me to fight, because there was a line and I was dragged over it, but still a line was crossed. I didn't set that situation up to happen, I walked by it and got yanked in. I stopped it too once I saw where it was leading. But no one will ever believe that. SO fine. I really think that was for the best- and two years later I still feel that way, although it did cost me a wonderfully turbulent friendship that will still rival many of the "Greats." I saw wonderfully, because that was why were got along so well- we could always make it through the turbulent times- until this last bit of turbulence set our plane into a downward spiral. I have shed a few tears over it believe it or not. It bothers me that I will get married (maybe unless i'm truly doomed) and there will be an empty place at the altar where she would've stood. I will probably leave a space just incase. "Life is too short," as the saying goes, to hold grudges. Ah, I wish you the best of luck.
I don't think my friendship is completely over with my other BFF from way before. I got an email no too long ago, and I was sitting at my computer staring at the 6 lines over and over again. Should I respond? I thought "No." Two days later I thought I needed to. I responded and it felt good. The last time we talked I was so angry at her. I took out my frustration on the wrong person. I kept my cool, but treated her like some sort of nothing. I regret it all the time. She is a follower- a good kind of follower though. The kind that always boost your confidence and wants you to succeed and will follow you anywhere to make sure you can achieve anything you put your mind to. A little crazy at times, but fun as hell. She needs you as much as you needed her. I didn't realize it until recently.
For crying out loud, this has gone on long enough. I shut this person out of my life, because they didn't even try to call me to find out what really happened. I knew how those two could talk about me; they ratted each other out to me all the time. And it was all the same stuff- I'm too bossy, I think I am always right, I think I have the best advice, I think I'm smarter. NO, people I don't. Outside of the advice part, I really don't think that highly of myself. God, I'd never get out of my house with a head that big. Do you really think that I cared so much for myself and so little for you that I would put my happiness ahead of yours? Not likely. I may have been the loudest voice in my group of friends, but I was surely not its life force. That misconception was something that formed out of god-only-knows-where and probably fear. But fear from what, I don't know. Jealousy wouldn't touch it, we were best friends, or so I thought. I protected my friends and thought I was pretty loyal. We all make mistakes, but I never denied messing up- on the contrary I was usually the one who was tattling on myself. But also- you made mistakes too. You hurt me, and I hurt you back, tit for tat. I hurt you and I got it two-fold. I have racked my brain trying to figure out how to fix this shit. I can't come up with anything at all. It's be done. It is what it is.
I have caught up on some of what's going on in your lives through word of mouth just like I'm sure you have with me. It's a small world for sure. I think I'm blinded sometimes. I have such horrible luck in my own personal relationships that I use my friendships as a crutch. I know they will be there for when I fuck up and maybe that's why I'm the one people need protection from. It's not done on purpose. Notice how everyone is fine when I'm in a relationship, but once it starts going bad, I'm gasping for air and begging my friends to give me strength. It's not attention I want. I want you to fix me. I want you to tell me what to do and then do it for me because you know I can't do it on my own- no matter how much I think I can. When youre friends with someone, you know their flaws- you would never call them out on it, but you're aware of them and you step in when they need you and say nothing, then back out and let them think they did it for themselves. I am hopeless, have no idea what to do with my life. My plan was on course until about 7 months ago. Now it's not and there isn't anyone to help me because I don't have anyone and no one has me. It was a two way street and we all chose to go in opposite directions instead of meet in the middle.
Does any of this shit keep any of you up at night? I just want my girls back. I want to be able to go out and know that someone's got my back. I miss the long calls with frantic "what should I do's" on the other end of the line. I loved shopping together or just watching the entire first three seasons of Sex and the City in one night. Where did we go wrong to finally reach that point of no return? It can't all be my fault. It is really in such disarray that we'll never make heads nor tails of it? Am I even missed as a friend? Was I that horrible to you all the time that I really did have it coming?
I don't think it's bad to be home, feeling like you were once again in high school. It's kinda like a security blanket warm and familiar. I just hate how different it is now. I used to think the phone was always for me whenever it rang. Now I don't even pick it up anymore because no one knows I'm home and if they do they don't fucking care. It's not other people who need protection from me, it's me who needs protection from myself- and my constant analyzing. I thought I was a good person- sure I have flaws, but I didn't think that they were so bad that I wasn't worthy of a second, and third chance in some cases. I gave so many second and third chances. Why am I left behind waiting for some resolution, that probably will never come. My door is always open, my phone is always on. I'd call, but I know that the verdict was against me. I'm not putting myself out there to be put through the wringer again. I would love to just clear the air, just so everything is on the table. Here's my side, there's yours. If they agree fine, if not, that's ok too. Just know above all else, I never meant to hurt anyone, and I never thought that one-upping someone was the way to go. I am human. This is me. Take the good with the bad- but don't shut someone out with out at least hearing them first. If forever depends on it- never speaking for ever, never sharing stupid/sad/funny moments together, or never sitting on a porch when we're 80 talking about how fast time flew- then a few minutes of talking things out would surely be worth it to me.
Maybe I'm wrong- and assume that there's a huge grudge- larger than it really is. Maybe lengths have been made in my direction but I was just too scared to notice or too busy to notice. But I have confessed it all- I'm a weak person. I made mistakes that I never apologized for. I let some of the most important people in my life walk away because I thought there was something bigger and better out there for me. I lost more than I won. I never broke even. I took my defeats gracefully on the surface, put plotted revenge that I would never ever succeed in gaining. I'm just as flawed and just as lonely and confused as you are. I'm admitting it and asking to be given the chance to start over, either as friends or as two people who once got into some crazy shit back in the day but are now just acquaintences. I parked my car a hundred yards past the middle, will you come the rest of the way?