Sunday, October 22, 2006

No talky-talky...

Well this has been a month of realizations and rude awakenings. I moved back home, took an LSAT class, and tried to get my life in some sort of order. I miss the beach, but not the heat and since those two go hand in hand in South Carolina, I guess it was time for a venue change. I spent most of the month of September in Morgantown crashing with my girl Dawn and occasionally hitting up some of the bars. I survived a WVU football game, a car accident, a dead deer, and the fear of knowing I was in over my head- well I'm still working on the last one.I have been trying to figure out where I want to go to law school and more importantly what school will even take me. Sure I'd love to go to Michigan, Harvard, Yale, whatever. But I'm trying to be realistic. I am about to start working for a lawyer in town so hopefully that will go well!More importantly, since about graduation day- six months or so ago- life has moved at a ridiculous pace. I cannot believe that I graduated, moved to an entire different state, and I'm now back in my parents' basement. I know it's not the end of the world and almost everyone that I talked to this weekend...we'll get there in a minute...said the same thing. They lived at home for 1-2 years before getting their shit together and finding a job. I have nothing against living at home. I am thankful my parents are cool enough to let me do such a thing. But I just really wasn't planning on not being in school right now. I had a plan, which I always seem to think will work out no matter what. But I also know that my "plan" is not iron-clad and it only takes one particular thing to throw it off course. I seriously hear myself talking to other people and offering them the best advice I can possibly give, and then I turn around and completely do something I never thought I'd do that against any advice I'd give anyone else. Practice what you preach girl! No, no, nothing illegal or anything like that. But shit, I just wonder why it is that I'm so easily influenced by certain things, when I'm telling people to hold fast to their dreams and do what makes them happy and whatever else that rolls out of my mouth. I think the proper terminology for that would be "word vomit." And it's even worse when it's alcohol-induced word vomit.Case-in-point: This weekend was Homecoming weekend at my college. And yes being a graduate and reletively close to where my school is, I had to go. My baby diamond is living up there and we needed some <> time. I also unfortunately missed like half the people I wanted to see like Dawn, my twin, sisters that I haven't seen since they graduated before me. A whole laundry list of people I just really wanted to catch up with but didn't get the chance to. So that really sucked. But I had a good time for the most part outside all the drama. Thankfully it didn't really involve me, but just knowing some of the people who were involved in it makes me wish that life were simpler. There was a whole lot of things going on, and Siber and I made it to one homecoming event. We didn't even make it to the football game. We're horrible alumns. Whatever. People have changed drastically in good ways and some bad, and some changed and thought that things would be different than they were when they were students....only to find out that everyone still sees you the same way no matter how much you may think you've changed. I didn't see any barfights thought, so that's always a plus. It hadn't been that long since I had been there, but it seemed like I was on the outside looking in. And of course I just have to comment.People I never thought could ever make a mistake did, I watched in stunned silence as people tried to get involved in relationships, friendships, living arrangements, and parties they just didn't belong in. It was like I was watching 1500 alumn versions of Madonna- all reinventing themselves with each new place they went to. It's as if these people just thought that in two days anything they ever did to anyone or had done to them would surely be forgotten. It's like the saying, "you never remember who you hurt, but the people you hurt never forget." How is it that people think peacing out for 6 months makes it ok to just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation about god-only-knows what when you never, never liked them to begin with. I hope know one notices that blank stare I get when I'm trying to look like I'm listening when really I'm not. I've practiced it many times. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. It's probably what you're doing now you're pretending to read this entry. Hopefully not.Anyway, I seriously just wonder where some people get off doing the things they do. Thankfully we were only there for two nights, because there would be an all-out street brawl if some of the visitors had stayed in town. I'm glad no one slashed any tires, since that would have only delayed the departure. I found myself sitting with Court and Jen taking up for someone I never thought I would take up for, because she was so rudely disrespected and I had just about had it with the whole situation. But it was none of my business to begin with so I should have just kept my mouth shut. (*I'll slap my wrist for that later* ) There's no fun in that though. We needed a microphone so we could give a play-by-play report or something. I will definitely stand by what I said too, that situation was just about the most desperate display I had ever seen- it even outshines my own stupid attempts to get what I thought at the time I wanted. I've done some stupid shit too- I believe some of it's even documented. Go me.So why is it that when we come closest to being the most comfortable with our current situation for better or for worse, it's really then that we're the most uncomfortable with it? I had resigned myself to just dealing with the way things were and being happy I had what I did. But now I'm not happy. I started off my weekend with shitty news and it just spiraled downward in a gale-force fashion from there. Maybe it wasn't supposed to have this effect on me, afterall, it is just a weekend where the old come back to see the new, watch some football, get drunk, and then go back to the real world on Monday, but I just felt like I was being pulled in a different direction than I thought I'd be and it made me start thinking. And we all know where thinking gets me. In a mess. I'm now more confused about what I want than ever before. It's nice to talk to people and see how they've been, it's nice to get advice from those who've lived it, but all this just confused me. There's just too much to decide on and maybe even too much to give up or have taken from you. I don't know why I feel like it all has to be figured out now or with in the near future, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. And like I told my baby <> tonight, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, a sign, or something that will give me some help. I just hate that currently I'm floating- towards anything? Nope. Any ideas where the wind may take me? Is it even blowing? I lick my finger and place it to the open air to see if I can feel something. What if I made the wrong decision, and even worse what if the decision was made four years ago and I can't go back and fix it. The last two days have been full of well-she-seems-to-be-doing-fine-maybe-it-isn't-so-bad's, and a whole slew of other thoughts and random questions. It's weird seeing people that you thought were in love and would be married by this time, stroll in with someone else on their arm. It's weird seeing people with the same degree as me doing something that has nothing to do with political science. It's even more weird...maybe sad?....seeing people still acting like complete assclowns. For the most part, everyone seems happy. I'm thankful for that. But there's still those people that just never grew out of the drama and it came in with them, and never left the mind's of those who were scared to death it would come back to rear its ugly head. Intimidation is a good word I guess. I know it changes with each graduating class, but it was really easy to see that the people who thought they had control or influence didn't have it anymore. They definitely didn't seem to like it much either. Major shit-talking went was hard to sit at a table and have your own discussion with out hearing someone at a nearby table or barstool talking shit on someone. It's kind of funny too though, but still if half of what I heard is true, then damn, we probably should nix all homecomings from now on. Too much drama. Court, Jen, and I did our best to just talk to non-drama sources,such as baseball players, close acquaintences, or people with their significant others, because they were safe and didn't show any signs of flipping out and attacking anyone. I get a flash of that scene in Mean Girls when everyone goes nuts after Cady attacks Regina. Sometimes when you're with your girls you just want to be able to talk about whatever in peace and not worry about outsiders adding in their opinions. I tried my best like I said no to join in and a couple times was not successful, but I just have to give my opinion on stuff even though I know I shouldn't, but my crowd was not in the middle of any life-threatening scandals this weekend- so it was all good. Maybe I'll make it back next year and try my luck again..maybe not.


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