Monday, February 20, 2006

Hitting close to home....the real off my bid list

Back by popular demand: here's the real deal kids....



#1: People who talk shit about my sisters in our Suite. Come on....are you kidding me. Think what you want, you're fully entitled to your own opinion. But do not talk shit on one of my sisters. Especially not my granddiamond Carrie. WHO does not like her?! If I could have gotten away with it I woulda stole all of your invites. Off my bid list...obviously.




#2: The "I just got out of gym class"girl. I know this sounds entirely stuck up and snobbish- but dude, Old Spice couldn't take care of that stank. Uh....oooooffff my bid list.



#3:Speaking of stank....this one is coming from a year or so ago. Ok, we're all nervous, hell we are prob more nervous than you are...but we still keep it together. You on the other hand did not. And daaa-yum. You think keeping a straight face when a senior citizen goes down in Wal-mart's parking lot is hard? This was 100 times harder. The old person probably can't hear you...acutally they probably can't see you either; but the "source" can definitely see and hear you. That was miserable.


#4: "Hopefully they won't find out _______ (insert terrible or nasty event) girl." This girl may be super nice, heck you might acutally think she's a great fit. Until the day after the second rounds of parties. Then it's like "she did what?! With who?! On what street?! Who drove by?!" Yeah all kinds of wrong. Take a hint from Paris Hilton on list #1: if you really have all that money, buy a decent reputation...or hook up in non-public places. Off my bid list. (That's a picture of Main Street, Buckhannon)

#5: "If I dance like a hoe maybe they'll notice me girl." No we won't. You'll just draw attention to your freak-nasty dancing. Here's a tip- the next time you're dancing and this guy comes up behind you don't lean forward and grab the nearest support beam in the basement. Turn around and slap him- who the fuck does he think he is coming up behind you like that? Eww. It's nice that you have long arms....but no one asked you to be the turnstyle at Chi Phi to help keep losers out. If that's the case then I think you'll serve better at the front door and not in the basment corner. Get off my bid list.

#6: The bitches who just have to scream everytime "their song" comes on. Gosh I hate these people. Most fraternities play the same songs over and over. Why? Because it's their house and they can do whatever the fuck they want. Chances are if a brother likes a song- you're gonna hear it ...a lot. So if you like that song....awesome. You have something in common. Maybe you should IM him about it Sunday morning....nah he probably won't give a shit. Seriously though, no one likes a screaming drunk bitch. If dogs can hear your high-pitched squeaking that puts the sound barrier to shame, then we definitely aren't going to be interested. Go away.


#7: The Lush.....do I even need to go into this? Ok I will. I absolutely LOATHE this chick. Normally I wouldn't give you a beer, but I am feeling like I should be nice tonight. Karma's a bitch so I wanna keep on her good side. Ok, so you ask for a beer, cigarette, couple squares of toilet paper because your stall's empty- fine. That's the end of it. No I don't want to be way-super-best-friends. Why? Because I saw you coming a mile away bitch, that's why. It's a beer today, a cute shirt tomorrow, $20 bucks here, a place to crash there.....then you took my man and I hate you. You think you have your system all figured out: ask her, then get another beer from this guy, flirt with his friend to make him jealous so he'll give you more beers to make you think he's the cooler friend, then you come back to me 5 beers and a runner in your pantyhose later because you're out of beer and want a ride home. Start walking, if you woulda put out earlier you'd be home by now, or at least in bed- maybe not yours but hey beggars can't be choosers. And I however, choose to keep you off my bid list.


#8: The girl who thinks she going home with your best guy friend. As if I would let that happen. It's the shoes, it's the ugly shirt, it's the fact that your eyeliner is on your upper lip. You're drunk. And I know him- he'll chew his arm off tomorrow before he woke you up to leave. Did you miss those death stares I was giving you? It wasn't because I wanted him for myself. It's because you're gross. I usually pick who he goes home with anyway...because I'm great at setting people up. Take a number....that's low on my bid list. Oh wait...you're not on it anywhere.



#9: The girl who thinks she can make out with a guy my friend is dating and get away with it because they're locked in a room. Haha, think again my skanky sad excuse for a human being. This one is so closely related to the #8 and #9. It's so funny because it's like she had been stalking her prey for weeks. Just when his woman leaves town she swoops in like an owl on a field mouse and bam. He's wasted- and probably was never 100% faithful to begin with, but he and my girl have been having a good past couple of months. This slut was probably holding the beer bong and it was probably someone's 21st- so all the more reason to get really fucked up. This guy is on his way upstairs to call it a night when she follows him in because she "left her coat in his room" and then...we don't need to go any further. So back to the rest of the party- we saw your ass go up those stairs after him. We also heard you screaming that you were gonna land him tonight, in between your screaming out "I LOOOOVE THIS SONG." Also- you just forgot that the only person out of town is his girlfriend. And we're gonna tell. Good luck....you're going to have such an awesome reputation- an awesomely slutty reputation. Off my bid list.

#10: The game ender. This girl is so obnoxious that she can't see there's a game going on. Be it Superbowl, baseball, whatever. Nothing pisses me off more than a bitch who keeps interrupting my beer pong game. "Oh you want this ball? Don't you need two to make it work?HAHAHA" Just ask Lance Armstrong. He doesn't need two to make it work and neither do we- I need at most one beer pong ball- two is ideal. But it's been done before with one. I will let that drunk bitch have one....but when she takes the second one and then says the same lame-ass joke about needing two balls, it gets ugly. I didn't ask for a guest or celebrity shot. If I had, it woulda been someone like Kobe or Jordan. Not you. How many fingers am I holding up? Oh Oh wait there she goes *everyone's head follows a body collapsing on the floor* ..... you're on the floor now aren't you? Oh yep you sure are. Stay there until the game is over.

#11: The girl that obviously needs to go home. Ok so it's her fault she drank so much. But it's embarrassing to her to make her stay there and get more wasted when she was done hours ago. There's pictures falling over, games being interrupted, people grinding on her, she's just falling over again and again. Take her home. She's yelling to go home. Take her ass home. We're tired of picking up cups and apologizing for her. You're a horrible person for putting your friend's welfare below your quest to have a good time.

#12: The girl that keeps shoving a camera in your face and yelling, "take a picture of my best friend and I!!!!" How many fucking best friends do you have? And do they know that you pass that term around like it's nothing. I have maybe 3 best friends. Why because they're my BEST friends. There are tons of other people that are my favorites and I love them dearly, but my best friends are my best friends. Also- how have you not dropped that camera a million times? I don't want to take your damned picture. I want you and your beer breath to take about 10 steps back and stay the hell away. I especially love it when you take a picture for someone and they look at the LCD screen and go, "no no that sucks take it again!" No please, no would you mind? Just Take it again. How bout you take a bitch slap. That's what I think of you and your ten million best friends. You are drunk and sweaty from dancing. No photographer in the world can make you look good. Oh you also spilled beer down your shirt....or is that sweat? Get off my bid list.

#13: The girl who bumps into you and in the process spills a drink on you. You're asking to get told off or hit in the face. Keep ahold of your beer. If you can't then don't drink it. That's a red flag for "I'm drunk." You have no idea how much I spend on clothes. I understand accidents happen. But you can't even stand up. Or even worse, you bumped into me on purpose. Then you're gonna get your ass kicked. Let's say I pissed you off first, that does not warrant you ruining an innocent outfit. Unless you're wearing hoe boots in any color but black or brown, no one deserves that to happen to their clothes. I'd much rather have a word match than have something ruined. We'll arm wrestle, but if you think it's funny or cute to spill something on me or drop a drink and break a glass- think again. You will be face down out in the snow. This one time, a stupid girl did this to one of my sisters, and before she knew it her off white shirt was red with jungle juice. That's worth the alcohol abuse. Just a warning...duct tape your beer to your hands or you're going to get soaked. It's like throwing stones in the old days, but we throw beers. And we also threw your bid away.

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