Monday, January 23, 2006

Off my Bid List....

Ok so with rush (or recruitment as we at Wesleyan must call it) coming up I thought I'd give a little preview of who would not make my bid list if I had control over that sort of thing:

1st up: Paris Hilton
OK this girl is like a size 2....BUT she wears like a size 11 1/2 in shoes!!!! Not to mention she's a whore. Any one with all that money could at least buy a decent reputation. She obviously is not that smart. She's off my bid list.

2nd: Lil Kim....
Is she even out of jail yet? I lost track of time. Pasties are not meant to be seen...unless you're a striper. Maybe she should've yanked up the side of that jumpsuit and lost the my little pony hair cut. Off my bid list.

3rd: Mary-Kate Olsen
I don't think our jersey would fit over that retarded hat. Let me guess- she's a badass.....nice shades Dracula. OFF my bid list.

4th: Trishelle from the Real World- Las Vegas
She would be fun to party with, but she's already slept with everyone at Wesleyan....I'm sure of it. Not to mention this bitch is not a team player and she cries too much. Get off my bid list. Funny story- my brother saw this post and asked me first what a bid list was, and second if Trishelle was in WV....he's worried that just her presence in WV will guarantee he'll get an STD.

5th: Winona Ryder
First mistake- she dated Johnny Depp- and that's enough to make half of American cry.
Second mistake- shoplifting- she'd probably steal stuff from the Suite. Definitely off my bid list.

6th: Angelina Jolie
She kissed her brother, wore a vial of blood around her neck, and although she DOES like black- she's a bit too crazy for us. AND, I'm sorry, she's a homewrecker. Off my bid list.

7th: Oprah
If she let's people jump on her couches, then she'll probably let people jump all over her. And we don't jump on our furniture. We need strong, independent women....but then again she could pay all of our dues...might have to rethink that one.

8th: Kate Moss
If she is thinking about rushing I think she's got her priorities mixed up.....she needs to EAT. Maybe next semester- off my bid list.

9th: Dora the Explorer
I cannot stand this fucking bitch. "Holacita! Aye! Aye! Aye!" No thanks. I know what your next expedition should be: find some other friends besides that damn monkey and stop talking to your fucking backpack! OFF my bid list.

10th: Barbie
I know, I know Barbie?! But really though, this chick is old and way overdone. She's a mermaid, then a princess, then she's a race car driver. I think she might have multiple personalities. It's hard enough to get along with 65 sisters, but imagine how hard it would be if one of those 65 sisters had 65 personalities of her own? my bid list.

11th: Britney Spears
Yeah yeah....what a sell out. I cannot believe she took K-Fed back. She should kick that bastard out of her house and stop paying for his illegitimate children. He's probably fathered like 20 kids. Seriously- this guy was a father 2 times in less than a year. He must be going for a record.
Also Brit- you used to have the best fashion sense. What gives? Are you gonna show up with Ugg boots and a torn up mini skirt smoking a cigarette with little Sean Preston on your hip? When you start dancing with snakes again and stop being a nevermind OFF my bid list.

12th: Lisa Rinna from Dancing with the Stars
Ok, save some collagen for the rest of us. She might have to fill out a separate interest form for herself, and then one for her lips.

13th: Paula Abdul
Ok...old Lakers dancers- cool
Secretly wanting Simon Cowell- not cool
Having an affair with a contestant, then denying it? Definitely not cool.
Suing a nail place because you got an infection from your super long acrylic nails- ok ok...
You are not forever "our girl"
You, no-talent assclown are off my bid list

14th: Jessica Simpson
Is it chicken? Or tuna? If we give her a bid we'd have to give her loser shadow, Cacee Cobb a bid too. And I can't take those two. Nick, we'll give you a bid. You can my Pi guy anyday.
Jessica- You ruined the Dukes of Hazard! You spoiled bitch.

15th: Gwyneth Paltrow
Normally she'd be a shoe-in, but she named her kid after an inanimate object. I cna only imagine what she would she put on her jersey! An Apple a day keeps your bid away! Off my bid list.

16th: Michael Jackson
He's trying real hard. I mean he looks more like a woman than a man...but he also has a scary resemblance to Peter Pan, who was once played by Julie Andrews on Broadway, so again a woman connection. He'll probably be in court on bid day anyhow, so Michael- you're off my bid list.

17th: Camilla Parker Bowles
Obviously I don't support homewreckers, because she's the second to get kicked off the list. But come on- you really think Prince Charles is hot! Ewwwwww!

18th: The "reproduction" chick (Allie G.) from this season's The Bachelor
We know she meant well, but someone obviously did not tell this girl how to make a first impression. "Hi, my biological clock is ticking...really loud...please pick me!" Yeah we weren't buying it either. She also can't take "no" for an answer. Did anyone else notice how much taller the bachelor was next to her. He almost had to bend at the waist to say she freaked him out with the baby talk. Maybe you should consider freezing some of those last few eggs so you can actually have a real first date that isn't based on your reproductive woes. Next!

19th: Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple
You all remember Olmec, the sometimes witty, more often than not, annoying piece of rock that ran the game. I don't even know why they had that other dude co-hosting. I really wish that when those temple keeper guys jumped out and took the kids back into the set that they really fed them to Olmec as a sacrifice. Those kids were so stupid. Green Monkeys, Purple Parrots. I'd be pissed if I was on the Purple Parrot team. OOh parrots! I'm so scared. Come on, Olmec- you could've made that game so much cooler. It's not like he could really hold a conversation or answer any questions at a rush party anyway. You have been removed from my bid list.

20th: Mother Goose
That's just like you fucking Puritans- make up some stupid ass friendly old lady and then scare the shit out of your kids so they'll go to church more lest they end up like Humpty Dumpty (not the Humpty Dumpty that had the Humpty Hump song). I swear if my parents were like, "Hey Courtney eat all your porridge or London Bridge will burn down," I'd be like, "good Mom, London smells and who the fuck thought it was a good idea to live on a bridge. Cripes people, I know it was only the 1600's but shit, come up with some better stuff. Mother Goose- here's your walkin' papers.

21, 22, 23, and 24: Hugh Hefner and girlfriends #1, #2, #3:
OMG....are you serious. Hugh Hefner is n-a-s-t-y. The ultimate playboy just hooked himself up with three women whose combined age is still THREE years younger than him. He is old and honestly, thank god for viagra. I have half a mind to believe that Hef was the inventor of viagra back in the 80's when he realized he was almost 50 and was still playing grab-ass with stupid bitches in bunny suits. Later he decided he could only have sex 50 times a week instead of the normal 100 so he let the rest of the world in on his little secret miracle. Did he not ever think that 99.9% off the women he he hooked up with were just hoping he'd put them on the cover of Playboy? He never was hot. He's got a ginormous house, throws great parties, but come on...I hope #'s 1-3 are ok with wiping his ass for him and spoon feeding him in 10 years. And what's worse- apparently girlfriend #1 is the favorite of Hef, and she is ok with him bed hopping with #2 and #3. I can only imagine what the breakfast coversation is:
#1: Did anyone see Hef last night?
#2 and #3 (simultaneously): he was in my room..
#2:WHAT?! He was in MY room!
#3: Noooo. he was in my room!
#1: I thought he was in the pool house.....
#3: I live in the pool house!
#2: live in the pool house AND you have the right wing of the third floor?!
#1: But I'M the #1 girlfriend!!!! (storms out crying)
#2: Hey I can share..this is sweet ass house...
#3: Yeah...whatev....pass the milk please...

Hef owns you....two of you have great degrees and this is what you want for your life. Dumb move....ALL of you are off my bid list....


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