Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Off my bid list #2

Well now that we've taken care of certain people who are listed below- I thought we should now move on to other matters of business- fashions that will get kicked off my bid list. Imagine 2 girls at a bar, near drunk, who are very bored and started talking...then imagine three girls hanging out, bored, who started talking....this is what we came up with:

#1- Chunky shoes.
So we are all guilty of wearing chunky-ass clod-hopper shoes. It's something we've all come to terms with and have moved past...well some of us. I remember in high school when we all wore those huge shoes with jean skirts and she-who-had-the-chunkiest-won. So fast forward to college: why are people STILL wearing them?! Did you miss the stiletto memos from 2002-present? Now, wedges are coming back in style...notice how I did not say chunky shoes. Wedges are different. If the whole sole of your shoe is the same width the whole down then my friend, you are wearing chunky shoes. Stop. If in fact there is a variation of width between the heel, the arch, and the base of the shoe- then keep on trucking my wedge wearing friend. Chunky shoes = off my bid list

#2- Mom pants
Did anyone see Oprah two weeks ago? Well obviously not everyone did. Mom pants: "the above-my-natural-waist" waistline pants. Usually tapered as well. Oprah had it right when she asked all clothing manufacturers to stop making tapered pants. They add weight, make you look like an upside down triangle and only mean one thing- you're a mom.....is that what we really want for ourselves? Come on girls, boot cut and slight flare only. Your mirror will thank you- and so will my bid list.

#3- Camel Toe
There's even a song about this horrible occurrence. Court and I were at the mall on Saturday and this woman (obviously a mom because her gaucho pants were above her belly button) had to have been in pain. It was like she took a sharpie marker and drew a "V" on her body from the waist down. It just looked painful. Stop with the camel toe. It's bad to look at and most likely unhealthy to wear physically. Off my bid list.

#4- White shoes after labor day- unless of course they're sneakers or you're a guy.
I've got no beef with white kicks. If you're playing ball or you've got some kickin' newbies- fine. But when you blantantly go out wearing white heels it's not happy. Off-white yes. Winter white-yes. But it's not good when you're whole outfit is one color and then you throw on these god awful white shoes that could be mistaken for reflectors that are usually seen on bikes or runners at night. (Reflectors serve a purpose, unlike your piss poor choice of shoes) Forest Gump said it best: "You can tell a lot about a person from their shoes; where they been, where they go-ing." You, white shoes, are going NO-where.

#5- Blazers
Worn correctly- they look classic and complete the outfit for an impeccable "I'm with the times and look like a lady" ensemble. Wear the wrong size, shape, or length and you look like Jackie O. with an obesity issue. See, I don't wear them because my boobs are huge and there's only one that looks right on me, unfortunately I decided not to buy it. There is however a blazer for us all. It's just about finding the right one. Stay away from too-busy patterns- it magnifies you like the Hubble Telescope.

#6- Tights with Jean skirts
Oh I know- it's freakin' cute. I myself enjoy tights with jean skirts. BUT- again it's all about the right look and pairing the right skirt with the right tights. Length is key- if you are wearing a knee length skirt- loose the tights. It draws the eye straight to your thighs. If you're wearing a shorter skirt go for it- because it draws the eye to your entire leg- which is good. I've seen this hit-or-miss trend way too many times. Don't do the skirt and tights thing 4 days out of the week. It looks cute on everyone if done right- but it's ridiculous when you're walking to class and ahead of you are 4 girls walking together with skirts and tights on; then you look behind you to see the same thing. Which brings me to my next victim:

#7- Metallic sequin purses
So cute at first- until 8 and 9 year olds started buying them. They come in all sorts of colors sure to enduce visual epileptic seizures. The smaller the purse the better- but if you are one of those girls who enjoys the large purses- please don't get one with sequins all over it. And also- don't wear the damned thing with sweatpants and a hoodie. These are meant to be worn out- not for everyday use. Off my bid list.

#8- The hairstyle that involves making a large bump at the crown of your head or Faux Hawk
Again this is super cute- but wow can it go overboard. If you're having trouble getting under clearence levels on the turnpike then it's too high. Exaggerating this style can make you look really stupid really fast. I've seen great examples and then I've seen girls who look like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. *Smacks forehead* Off my bid list.

#9- Pants with the ass ripped out
What's the sparkly thing on your ass? Oh wait those are the sequin panties you bought on purpose to go with your jeans that you "accidentally on purpose" cut holes in the ass. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE wants to see your panties. Seriously people even guys will say this is true. They will agree that it's kinda hot- but they'd never do anything about it unless you're into one night stands. Leave something to the imagination. Jeans with holes in the knees or other strategically placed areas are totally fine. Sitting in class and being blinded because the sun is reflecting off your badonkadonk ass- not cool.

#10- Speaking of asses: Thongs hangin out and crack shots
Ok, no one said you had to buy jeans so low that you literally sit out of them when you sit down. It's wrong. Don't wear that shit to class where you know you will be sitting down. If you must wear these extremely low pants- sit in the back of the class. It's not attractive and it is gross. Can you not feel a draft? And a lot of times girls pull their thongs up so they are sitting on their hipbones. If you do this- drop out of school and be a stripper. It's fucking gross. I cannot stand it when people's cracks or thongs are showing. It's not ok. Pull up your pants before you plop down in your fucking desk. I had a teacher in high school that used to send girls home for that shit- only after she made a clear point to make sure everyone in class knew her ass was hanging out and how gross it was. GROSS. See the other chick in this picture? She's like, "Oh god...not another one. I think I might cry." I bet the chick whose ass is hanging out is probably humiliated because her ass floss is on google images. GOOD. Get off my bid list Ass-clown.

I'm sure I will get beat up in the Campus Center for this one.....oh well- it must be said.


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