Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Off my bid list #2

Well now that we've taken care of certain people who are listed below- I thought we should now move on to other matters of business- fashions that will get kicked off my bid list. Imagine 2 girls at a bar, near drunk, who are very bored and started talking...then imagine three girls hanging out, bored, who started talking....this is what we came up with:

#1- Chunky shoes.
So we are all guilty of wearing chunky-ass clod-hopper shoes. It's something we've all come to terms with and have moved past...well some of us. I remember in high school when we all wore those huge shoes with jean skirts and she-who-had-the-chunkiest-won. So fast forward to college: why are people STILL wearing them?! Did you miss the stiletto memos from 2002-present? Now, wedges are coming back in style...notice how I did not say chunky shoes. Wedges are different. If the whole sole of your shoe is the same width the whole down then my friend, you are wearing chunky shoes. Stop. If in fact there is a variation of width between the heel, the arch, and the base of the shoe- then keep on trucking my wedge wearing friend. Chunky shoes = off my bid list

#2- Mom pants
Did anyone see Oprah two weeks ago? Well obviously not everyone did. Mom pants: "the above-my-natural-waist" waistline pants. Usually tapered as well. Oprah had it right when she asked all clothing manufacturers to stop making tapered pants. They add weight, make you look like an upside down triangle and only mean one thing- you're a mom.....is that what we really want for ourselves? Come on girls, boot cut and slight flare only. Your mirror will thank you- and so will my bid list.

#3- Camel Toe
There's even a song about this horrible occurrence. Court and I were at the mall on Saturday and this woman (obviously a mom because her gaucho pants were above her belly button) had to have been in pain. It was like she took a sharpie marker and drew a "V" on her body from the waist down. It just looked painful. Stop with the camel toe. It's bad to look at and most likely unhealthy to wear physically. Off my bid list.

#4- White shoes after labor day- unless of course they're sneakers or you're a guy.
I've got no beef with white kicks. If you're playing ball or you've got some kickin' newbies- fine. But when you blantantly go out wearing white heels it's not happy. Off-white yes. Winter white-yes. But it's not good when you're whole outfit is one color and then you throw on these god awful white shoes that could be mistaken for reflectors that are usually seen on bikes or runners at night. (Reflectors serve a purpose, unlike your piss poor choice of shoes) Forest Gump said it best: "You can tell a lot about a person from their shoes; where they been, where they go-ing." You, white shoes, are going NO-where.

#5- Blazers
Worn correctly- they look classic and complete the outfit for an impeccable "I'm with the times and look like a lady" ensemble. Wear the wrong size, shape, or length and you look like Jackie O. with an obesity issue. See, I don't wear them because my boobs are huge and there's only one that looks right on me, unfortunately I decided not to buy it. There is however a blazer for us all. It's just about finding the right one. Stay away from too-busy patterns- it magnifies you like the Hubble Telescope.

#6- Tights with Jean skirts
Oh I know- it's freakin' cute. I myself enjoy tights with jean skirts. BUT- again it's all about the right look and pairing the right skirt with the right tights. Length is key- if you are wearing a knee length skirt- loose the tights. It draws the eye straight to your thighs. If you're wearing a shorter skirt go for it- because it draws the eye to your entire leg- which is good. I've seen this hit-or-miss trend way too many times. Don't do the skirt and tights thing 4 days out of the week. It looks cute on everyone if done right- but it's ridiculous when you're walking to class and ahead of you are 4 girls walking together with skirts and tights on; then you look behind you to see the same thing. Which brings me to my next victim:

#7- Metallic sequin purses
So cute at first- until 8 and 9 year olds started buying them. They come in all sorts of colors sure to enduce visual epileptic seizures. The smaller the purse the better- but if you are one of those girls who enjoys the large purses- please don't get one with sequins all over it. And also- don't wear the damned thing with sweatpants and a hoodie. These are meant to be worn out- not for everyday use. Off my bid list.

#8- The hairstyle that involves making a large bump at the crown of your head or Faux Hawk
Again this is super cute- but wow can it go overboard. If you're having trouble getting under clearence levels on the turnpike then it's too high. Exaggerating this style can make you look really stupid really fast. I've seen great examples and then I've seen girls who look like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. *Smacks forehead* Off my bid list.

#9- Pants with the ass ripped out
What's the sparkly thing on your ass? Oh wait those are the sequin panties you bought on purpose to go with your jeans that you "accidentally on purpose" cut holes in the ass. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE wants to see your panties. Seriously people even guys will say this is true. They will agree that it's kinda hot- but they'd never do anything about it unless you're into one night stands. Leave something to the imagination. Jeans with holes in the knees or other strategically placed areas are totally fine. Sitting in class and being blinded because the sun is reflecting off your badonkadonk ass- not cool.

#10- Speaking of asses: Thongs hangin out and crack shots
Ok, no one said you had to buy jeans so low that you literally sit out of them when you sit down. It's wrong. Don't wear that shit to class where you know you will be sitting down. If you must wear these extremely low pants- sit in the back of the class. It's not attractive and it is gross. Can you not feel a draft? And a lot of times girls pull their thongs up so they are sitting on their hipbones. If you do this- drop out of school and be a stripper. It's fucking gross. I cannot stand it when people's cracks or thongs are showing. It's not ok. Pull up your pants before you plop down in your fucking desk. I had a teacher in high school that used to send girls home for that shit- only after she made a clear point to make sure everyone in class knew her ass was hanging out and how gross it was. GROSS. See the other chick in this picture? She's like, "Oh god...not another one. I think I might cry." I bet the chick whose ass is hanging out is probably humiliated because her ass floss is on google images. GOOD. Get off my bid list Ass-clown.

I'm sure I will get beat up in the Campus Center for this one.....oh well- it must be said.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Off my Bid List....

Ok so with rush (or recruitment as we at Wesleyan must call it) coming up I thought I'd give a little preview of who would not make my bid list if I had control over that sort of thing:

1st up: Paris Hilton
OK this girl is like a size 2....BUT she wears like a size 11 1/2 in shoes!!!! Not to mention she's a whore. Any one with all that money could at least buy a decent reputation. She obviously is not that smart. She's off my bid list.

2nd: Lil Kim....
Is she even out of jail yet? I lost track of time. Pasties are not meant to be seen...unless you're a striper. Maybe she should've yanked up the side of that jumpsuit and lost the my little pony hair cut. Off my bid list.

3rd: Mary-Kate Olsen
I don't think our jersey would fit over that retarded hat. Let me guess- she's a badass.....nice shades Dracula. OFF my bid list.

4th: Trishelle from the Real World- Las Vegas
She would be fun to party with, but she's already slept with everyone at Wesleyan....I'm sure of it. Not to mention this bitch is not a team player and she cries too much. Get off my bid list. Funny story- my brother saw this post and asked me first what a bid list was, and second if Trishelle was in WV....he's worried that just her presence in WV will guarantee he'll get an STD.

5th: Winona Ryder
First mistake- she dated Johnny Depp- and that's enough to make half of American cry.
Second mistake- shoplifting- she'd probably steal stuff from the Suite. Definitely off my bid list.

6th: Angelina Jolie
She kissed her brother, wore a vial of blood around her neck, and although she DOES like black- she's a bit too crazy for us. AND, I'm sorry, she's a homewrecker. Off my bid list.

7th: Oprah
If she let's people jump on her couches, then she'll probably let people jump all over her. And we don't jump on our furniture. We need strong, independent women....but then again she could pay all of our dues...might have to rethink that one.

8th: Kate Moss
If she is thinking about rushing I think she's got her priorities mixed up.....she needs to EAT. Maybe next semester- off my bid list.

9th: Dora the Explorer
I cannot stand this fucking bitch. "Holacita! Aye! Aye! Aye!" No thanks. I know what your next expedition should be: find some other friends besides that damn monkey and stop talking to your fucking backpack! OFF my bid list.

10th: Barbie
I know, I know Barbie?! But really though, this chick is old and way overdone. She's a mermaid, then a princess, then she's a race car driver. I think she might have multiple personalities. It's hard enough to get along with 65 sisters, but imagine how hard it would be if one of those 65 sisters had 65 personalities of her own? Whoa...off my bid list.

11th: Britney Spears
Yeah yeah....what a sell out. I cannot believe she took K-Fed back. She should kick that bastard out of her house and stop paying for his illegitimate children. He's probably fathered like 20 kids. Seriously- this guy was a father 2 times in less than a year. He must be going for a record.
Also Brit- you used to have the best fashion sense. What gives? Are you gonna show up with Ugg boots and a torn up mini skirt smoking a cigarette with little Sean Preston on your hip? When you start dancing with snakes again and stop being a tool.....no nevermind OFF my bid list.

12th: Lisa Rinna from Dancing with the Stars
Ok, save some collagen for the rest of us. She might have to fill out a separate interest form for herself, and then one for her lips.

13th: Paula Abdul
Ok...old Lakers dancers- cool
Secretly wanting Simon Cowell- not cool
Having an affair with a contestant, then denying it? Definitely not cool.
Suing a nail place because you got an infection from your super long acrylic nails- ok ok...
You are not forever "our girl"
You, no-talent assclown are off my bid list

14th: Jessica Simpson
Is it chicken? Or tuna? If we give her a bid we'd have to give her loser shadow, Cacee Cobb a bid too. And I can't take those two. Nick, we'll give you a bid. You can my Pi guy anyday.
Jessica- You ruined the Dukes of Hazard! You spoiled bitch.

15th: Gwyneth Paltrow
Normally she'd be a shoe-in, but she named her kid after an inanimate object. I cna only imagine what she would she put on her jersey! An Apple a day keeps your bid away! Off my bid list.

16th: Michael Jackson
He's trying real hard. I mean he looks more like a woman than a man...but he also has a scary resemblance to Peter Pan, who was once played by Julie Andrews on Broadway, so again a woman connection. He'll probably be in court on bid day anyhow, so Michael- you're off my bid list.

17th: Camilla Parker Bowles
Obviously I don't support homewreckers, because she's the second to get kicked off the list. But come on- you really think Prince Charles is hot! Ewwwwww!

18th: The "reproduction" chick (Allie G.) from this season's The Bachelor
We know she meant well, but someone obviously did not tell this girl how to make a first impression. "Hi, my biological clock is ticking...really loud...please pick me!" Yeah we weren't buying it either. She also can't take "no" for an answer. Did anyone else notice how much taller the bachelor was next to her. He almost had to bend at the waist to say she freaked him out with the baby talk. Maybe you should consider freezing some of those last few eggs so you can actually have a real first date that isn't based on your reproductive woes. Next!

19th: Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple
You all remember Olmec, the sometimes witty, more often than not, annoying piece of rock that ran the game. I don't even know why they had that other dude co-hosting. I really wish that when those temple keeper guys jumped out and took the kids back into the set that they really fed them to Olmec as a sacrifice. Those kids were so stupid. Green Monkeys, Purple Parrots. I'd be pissed if I was on the Purple Parrot team. OOh parrots! I'm so scared. Come on, Olmec- you could've made that game so much cooler. It's not like he could really hold a conversation or answer any questions at a rush party anyway. You have been removed from my bid list.

20th: Mother Goose
That's just like you fucking Puritans- make up some stupid ass friendly old lady and then scare the shit out of your kids so they'll go to church more lest they end up like Humpty Dumpty (not the Humpty Dumpty that had the Humpty Hump song). I swear if my parents were like, "Hey Courtney eat all your porridge or London Bridge will burn down," I'd be like, "good Mom, London smells and who the fuck thought it was a good idea to live on a bridge. Cripes people, I know it was only the 1600's but shit, come up with some better stuff. Mother Goose- here's your walkin' papers.

21, 22, 23, and 24: Hugh Hefner and girlfriends #1, #2, #3:
OMG....are you serious. Hugh Hefner is n-a-s-t-y. The ultimate playboy just hooked himself up with three women whose combined age is still THREE years younger than him. He is old and honestly, thank god for viagra. I have half a mind to believe that Hef was the inventor of viagra back in the 80's when he realized he was almost 50 and was still playing grab-ass with stupid bitches in bunny suits. Later he decided he could only have sex 50 times a week instead of the normal 100 so he let the rest of the world in on his little secret miracle. Did he not ever think that 99.9% off the women he he hooked up with were just hoping he'd put them on the cover of Playboy? He never was hot. He's got a ginormous house, throws great parties, but come on...I hope #'s 1-3 are ok with wiping his ass for him and spoon feeding him in 10 years. And what's worse- apparently girlfriend #1 is the favorite of Hef, and she is ok with him bed hopping with #2 and #3. I can only imagine what the breakfast coversation is:
#1: Did anyone see Hef last night?
#2 and #3 (simultaneously): he was in my room..
#2:WHAT?! He was in MY room!
#3: Noooo. he was in my room!
#1: I thought he was in the pool house.....
#3: I live in the pool house!
#2: Wait...you live in the pool house AND you have the right wing of the third floor?!
#1: But I'M the #1 girlfriend!!!! (storms out crying)
#2: Hey I can share..this is sweet ass house...
#3: Yeah...whatev....pass the milk please...

Hef owns you....two of you have great degrees and this is what you want for your life. Dumb move....ALL of you are off my bid list....