Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The joys of being me...

So this week has been so much fun. PMS doesn't even describe it. I'm on day three- the day where you feel like there's a group of people jumping on your ovaries, oh and they parked their cars on your lower back. I just don't see how this is fair! What problems do guys have? Granted it has been proven that men have their own monthly form of PMS....but shit, this is ridiculous. I almost wish I'd just have a hysterectomy so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Men are so lucky...and honestly God, it took two to tango with that snake...what gives?! They might get a kindey stone (or...kidney stooooonnness for you Friends fans) but no, women get the short end of the life stick: pregnancy...I'd like to see men take that role over for a few centuries; periods...let's not start....oooh and my favorite- having to deal with every man equating your change in mood or opinon to "oh, she's probably just on the rag." I hate men.....all of them.

Ah, so in other news, I think I may have found an ego that trumps all other egos that I have come in to contact with. And unfortunately I love this guy. I have been laughing my ass off for the past three days reading this guy's website. He's absolutely fabulous- he writes well, has money, a sense of humor.....and even better- he's a crass S.O.B who uses and abuses women, and he'll admit to it. That never happens. His name is Tucker Max ( and I would love to meet this guy. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, but damn he's smooth. He is so ingratiating and makes you want to kick him in the nuts, but damn he's funny. I didn't know people could do the things he does- and get away with it. He doesn't have a care in the world and lives out his days getting wasted, hooking up with girls, and writing about it; all the while getting paid to do so. What a life! Not that I'm advocating being an asshole or treating people like shit. It's just that his life is so entertaining and these girls are so stupid and fall for his tricks everytime. He's so blunt about his intentions that is hard to believe that girls are all about this guy. He's a freakin' legend. If I met him I'd probably have to decide what to do first: kick him in the nuts, castrate him, or publicly humiliate him to the point he wants to crawl in a hole and die. You just have to go to the site and start reading. You'll hate him, but you'll cheer him on- I swear...I was apalled but I also laughed my ass off. Keep in mind though- he loses major cool points for being about 30 years old and not having any goals in life outside of fucking every woman he can above a "high-2 star."

ADPi's formal is this weekend and I am super pumped! The other night Court and I were talking about some formal related things and I all the sudden realized that this would be the first time I would be attending a prom/formal with a guy I had been seriously dating...I'm dead serious. The last time I went to anything with a bf was 9th grade prom...I adored Adam! (He's still one of those guys that would do anything for anyone and is just an all-around amazing human being!) After that I went to the 1st Snow Ball at PHS with Brian (the Snow Ball was MY idea and they STILL have it at my high school) But outside of those two events, I have had 7 events pass by in my high school and college career with out going with a bf. It's not because I'm a tard either. I went to two formals with my old roommate, which, I'm sorry- no one had more fun than we did! So that leaves a handful of other formals that I went to with people that I was just friends with or in the most extreme case, the formal I went to with a guy that turned out to be a drug dealing bookie who (without going into extreme detail: yelled at me for not doing drugs, tried to take my bank card to buy beer, shoved me into a wall and demanded I let him stay with me....yeah it was great). I'll write that one out at a later time- it's quite infamous. So needless to say I am really excited for this weekend. We're planning to pre-party here first for a bit and maybe go out to dinner. I don't know why but I'm actually nervous- who knows, it's probably because I never got that chance to go to prom with someone I was totally nuts about (which is partly my fault in a couple cases). I am not putting any high expectations on the evening or anything, I'm just hoping to have a great time with awesome people. My guess- I'm just nervous because I'm a girl and I want to look hot and have everything go perfectly....yeah I'm such a princess: )

Backtracking a few weeks-
The moon was definitely full on Halloween. I was at the bar- dressed as a WVU fan- I know, I know. Sometimes even I surprise myself with my creativity- with Court and Adrienne (and half of Chi Phi) for a few drinks before passing out candy to the children of Buckhole. Well before you scoff and say "passing out candy to small children while inebriated?!" we definitely didn't make it to that. I proceeded to get totally shitcanned in a matter of two hours. So that night was bad and the last thing I remember before blacking out ( I fell asleep with my clothes on) was Courtney yelling at me. She said I was being ridiculous and she was right, I just may be an alcoholic haha. So I woke up in a cold sweat after having a horrible nightmare. I sat up in bed feeling like I was in a foggy haze....and then I threw up....on the floor. In the next three hours I contemplated how I was feeling about the previous night in between cuddling with the bathroom floor and toilet and my bedroom carpet. All the sudden I caught this image of a glance I had shared with an ex the night before. It was like I was being looked at- but really looked through. Does that make any sense? Like here we are having a conversation and all I could do was try to search his eyes for some semblance of what used to be..and God only knows why. I'm stupid-drunk, and had a major lapse in judgement and should be publicly flogged for doing so. And not surprisingly Courtney Nicole- it wasn't there...AND I knew that, and normally I would be fine with it because I've been fine with it for a a really long time. A hypnotist couldn't have brought out shit that was no longer there- it just wasn't there. Obviously being three sheets to the wind, I was affected in some weird 'why me?!' way. I downed another two beers and almost order my 5th shot of tequilla, then I knew I had to leave. I had become completely disgusted with the situation and finally realized what I was doing and where I was at and had a 'checkyourself' moment-

Me: Why am I sitting here, this is so weird dude
My subconscious: I dunno man get the hell out of there this is weird dude
Me: Yeah....could I BE any more drunk and retarded?
My subconscious: No I don't think so....can we say 'sophomore year?"
Me: Yes...'sophomore year'....annnnnd I'm out
My subconscious: Thank God- I thought we'd never leave!
Me: You're welcome, I think I need another shot for the road..
My subconscious: See, I was thinking that same thing...but we're ballin' on a budget, and you're not exactly here to watch the Steelers play, so let's go home.
Me: alright, alright....I'm just gonna throw up anyhow when I get home.
My subconscious: See, you're exactly right! You know this isn't're being dumb and because you've had a bad couple weeks you don't even know what you're doing...take the autopilot off and go home and puke...
Me: Ok, sounds dinner tasted like shit anyways.

Upon rising at the early hour of 12 noon, and brushing the hell out of my teeth to get the bile taste out of my mouth, I was completely exhausted. But depsite physically feeling like ass-on-a-stick, I definitely felt better about what happened. And maybe he got a big kick out my drunken episode, but who cares, Christ if I cared about what my exes thought of me I'd never leave the house. I know things won't change and we will always have that awkwardness between us because, well that's how it goes in the game of love and war. I am content with that. I truly believe I am where I need to be right now and am deliriously happy right now. I can only say it was a tequilla-induced lapse in judgement. I just avoided the situation for a good year and it came back to bite me in the ass- and at what better time than when I was shitfaced? So after that rude awakening with tequilla as the catalyst, I think I'm gonna make it. I might have needed a little wake up call. Who knew El Tersero could do that? Well the next time I see Ron Pablo or Pepe Lopez I'm gonna tip my sombrero to them because they gave me absolution in a situation I thought would never end.
I don't want to graduate with unfinished business or questionable feelings about anyone-in the words of Coco Chanel- I never have lukewarm feelings for anyone, I either love or dislike. That's how I want to leave- knowing I 100% dislike a person, or I love them because of who they are and not what they can offer. I'm slowly cleaning up the grey areas where some people stand as of right now....


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