Monday, October 03, 2005

A View From Upstairs;


Well, I survived the LSAT's....and although I honestly have no feeling either way on how I did...it's over! I feel so much better now and can get started on the other shit in my life....namely applications to law school.....

So this past weekend gave me a lot of time to think about some stuff that I'm sure most people think about when they're faced with a life-altering situation. Yes, people I know it's just a fucking test- but that test determines a lot for me! So back off! Anyway...so here I am sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in the entire worls. I now see why no one at WVU goes to class...it's not because they're "lazy" or "alcoholics" it's because the desks are ridiculous....anyone can go to class hungover or walk in 15 minutes late, but not at WVU....I think I switched positions about 50 times in the course of 4 1/2 hours. My back felt like it had a steel rod in it. And if that's not enough to keep you out of class....then go with the drunk excuse. I think it's the former. Stereotypical WVU students- I hereby stand corrected.
So back to thinking...I'm waiting until everyone has finished the writing sample of the LSAT and I finished really early and had about 10 mine or more to assess my current situation. I thought about what kinda of score I wanted or hoped for and to be honest....if it's competitive with the students applying to the same schools as I am, then great. That's all one can hope for. Do I want to know what everyone else got? Hell no, I hope we all did horrible so everyone will have an equal footing when we apply and then maybe the LSAT will be deemed worthless and no one will ever have to go through that awful experience again. It's just like a bad movie....you'll never get those 4 1/2 hours of your life back.
After that quick lapse into a giant grin just from thinking of all the LSAT employees losing their jobs, I started looking in to the bigger picture. Life...people....life.....that thing many of us have to come to terms with in about 6 months. Some of us will walk into it and others will run smack into the wall of life. It's always the ones that go kicking and screaming from the "good life" into "the real life" that seem to make it the furthest, despite their best efforts to run from it. Having a plan is great, hell having a plan B is even better; but not having a plan at all seems to work too. How many peple do you know that are currently in a job that is 100% related to their major? As in "I studied social work in college and now I'm a social worker" not "I studied chemistry in collge and now I work at a bank back home....did I mention I've been out of college for 5 years?" So really it's all about taking risks...or not taking risks at all. Because just by not planning things you're taking a risk, even if you are avoiding the planning process in life to avoid life....that is a risk in itself. There really is no right answer. People who fly by the seat of their pants through life and live moment to moment turn out to be just as successful as people who plan every last detail of life and make sure they do everything by-the-book. One is not better than the other. So how do we know which path to choose? Because in this case you can't just stand by and let it happen....by not choosing you've chosen to do nothing and take the risk of losing, just as picking to go into life with a plan may leave you empty-handed as well. Alas, what is a poor confused college undergrad to do? I have a plan....I just don't have a plan B....and I could never just go home and take some time off. That's just not an option for me, not that it's a bad option for someone else, I just need to move on and be on my own. I am looking at schools really far away from everyone and everything I've ever known. And honestly, that is what scares me the most. That's what makes me want to just go somewhere that is in state so I can be close to home and my family. But then again...if I don't get out now, when will I ever? The longer I stay the more I feel I will be unable to leave. I can't sit and pray for a kickass job to come up that I cannot pass up and then have to move, I'd rather make the first step then find a kickass job on my own. Jobs aren't just handed out. Maybe if I make the first move that will serve as the catalyst. And all things will fall into place...if only we could exchange hindsight for foresight.....
Bottomline, and this could be a senior thing, we're gonna be moving on soon, and we may never see some people again- ever. It seems like yesterday I was writing about how much I will miss my senior girls and now, I am a senior girl. And I don't keep in touch with more than about 10 people from last year...through no fault of ouw own geography has broken ties and singed the thread that binds hearts together. It's saddening to think that all this shit that is soooo important right now, won't mean anything in less than a year.So it's pick a course of action or don't but either way you're risking your life and it's all on your shoulders....and probably no one will ever know you chose the wrong path...not even you will in some cases.

Will I be that girl and come back to visit all the time...doubtful. I'm not a big fan of going back to the "old stomping grounds." There's things that happened in the past few years that I want to permanently fade into the background. Lost loves, lost friendships, lost pieces of me... should stay that way. I don't want to be reminded of the things I once felt and the crazy stuff we all know we've done. Just for the sheer fact that I've overanalyzed that shit too much and i've moved on from a large chunk of it- not all, but a lot. Once I'm out of Wesleyan it will stay here. As of now I find myself drifting back into old thoughts and feelings, but pretty soon when I pack up my stuff for the last time, I will leave behind a box of things that once made me smile or reminded me of so-and-so and I will leave it behind on purpose and close a chapter in the Great Book of Courtney never to be re-read again. I used to move around a lot when I was a kid. I was used to packing up my things and moving to a new house or a new apartment and sometimes I just wouldn't unpack at all. I knew it wouldn't be long before we'd be moving again. But one thing I always did before I left a place for a new one, was leave something behind. Even if it was something stupid, like a Barbie doll shoe, or something bigger like the note I once left under the carpet in my room (yeah I pulled up the carpet people, I was into time capsules and stuff back then)...it still stays with you. I don't remember everything I left behind, but what I do remember is always taking time to look out whatever window was in my room at the time and making sure that last view stuck with me. I don't remember always looking in the rear windshield as we pulled away from the driveway, but there's not one place I've lived in that I can't remember the view from my window. Take it as you will, but for me, I've always been a sentimental person, I'm superstitious and constantly go around "knocking on wood." I leave behind parts of the whole- that is the bigger picture fades into the background and all I keep are small snipets, or views from the upstairs window to remember things by. I've got a filing cabinet in my mind and if I really wanted to go back in time I'd just pick a certain view from a certain window and all the memories would come flooding back. There's just some things that are better left unsaid and once put away, should stay put away so it won't have the chance to affect your life in that ways it did way back when....the choice is yours....

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