Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Welcome to the big show...

....or as a very close friend of mine put it- the sideshow.....what a wonderful way to spend the entire past 2 weeks- balls to the wall crazy. Finally I have some free time! But what will I be doing with that free time? My methods section and LSAT Prep......in less than two weeks I will have my life back! I swear if my body wouldn't collaspe under the added pressure I'd totally make a go for ruling the world. I think I will just stick to ruling my life for right now...and rocking the world. (no, kidding....that comes later after the LSAT's).
I know that this "big top" we refer to as college is not easy. But shit, three years after high school, I'm still not used to the daily grind of it all. Maybe I'm just sick of it and never shoulda stayed in WV in the first place so that's why I never got in the groove of things, but damn...what I wouldn't give for a year off. It seems as though every professor I have wants to assign a ginormous paper due on the same day, or they have absolutely no sympathy for a poor girl just trying to study for a test that determines the rest of her life! Does everything HAVE to happen before October 1st? We DO have an entire semester left. I feel like an elephant is sitting on me.....talk about working for peanuts- I pay these people to fuck around with my life and give me daily reminders that I'm still not done for the day in the form of headaches/sometimes migraines depending on who's doing the damage.
Since we're on the subject of elephants and circus big tops, did I mention I'm deathly afraid of clowns? I'm not kidding when I say "deathly" either. Ask anyone who knows me....I hate clowns. So recently I have been having these awful dreams about clowns. Not like, "hey lil buddy wanna balloon?" kind of dreams either- it's more like "oh my f-ing lord there's the scariest clown ever..........and he's my LSAT teacher." I can't even answer the first question....this clown is sitting at a desk blowing bubbles with his gum while wearing a Michigan Football jersey over all his clown outfit and his fucking huge clown feet are tapping the floor so loud I can't think. So I look up and just glare at him and then bam... we make eye contact. And I have turned into scared little mess of a person who can't budge an inch. So Bastard the Clown (cute huh?) comes over to my desk and takes my test and reads the answers out loud (yeah i thought i didn't finish my test too, but apparently I did). I failed the test....like hardcore. IF i was going for the worst grade ever on an LSAT- I got it. Not only that he put a clown hat on me and was like "you can be my assisstant! Won't that be fun?! Assisstant to my worst fear? Eh, ok how much does it pay?
No seriously......What the hell does that mean? What on Earth am I supposed to do with a dream like that?! I get a nervous jolt up my spine everytime I look at my prep book. Driving to Mo-town next Saturday (NEXT SATURDAY!?) scares the bajeezus out of me. The whole time I'm going to be crying, I can just see it. I can't even concentrate on this test. I spend more time wondering who i'm gonna call in a favor from to get in. I automatically think I am gonna have to pull the "family card" to get in. I don't want to do that. I would love to do at least decent on the test, get in, and know that I did it by myself, just like I have everything else in my life.....but what if I need to call in a few favors? Does that make me a loser who probably shouldn't go to law school? Should I really just do something else and cut my losses?
How about I just suck it up, knock that clown over his desk onto his ass and just do what I can? It's all anxiety I know, and I'm sure I'll be a completely different person- either much happier just for having made it through the damned thing...or I could be a huge mess because I bombed it and now will never make it to law school....my plan B is not exactly what I would want to do for the rest of my life. It's not even a plan B really....because it involves yet another impossible test that I do not even want to think about. Just pray for me...I need it and I want to go to law school damnit! It's what I've worked for and I am so pissed that one test determines (rather ambiguously if you ask me) if I'm a good candidate for law school. I'm throwing myself at the LSAT and hoping I bounce off with a score that can get me in!
If I survive this thing- party at 136 directly after.....think of it as a celebration of my making it to my 22nd birthday in one piece.....a little disheveled, but all in all, I'm still in one piece.....and I'm ready to rule my life once again....don't forget that WVU plays VT on the 1st...let's burn some furniture baby!

Friday, September 16, 2005

The "boyfriend" husband or the "husband" husband

Ok, so I was reading this article like five minutes ago and it struck a major chord....it was about which husband these two women married-the "boyfriend" husband and the "husband" husband. The fact that it got me thinking had nothing to do with wanting a husband at all....it was just the way these two guys were described....like these two "husbands" were first and foremost boyfriends, before they became husbands. Allow me to explain:
Alright- the "boyfriend" husband (which from now on will be the "boyfriend" boyfriend- because like I said, I'm not looking to get hitched anytime soon. But anyways, the boyfriend type is one who instantly gets your attention, makes you feel weak in the knees, and knows just what to say to piss you off or make you heart skip a beat. He is sexy in every context of the word and can do that "thing" that drives you wild. He likes to go fast and he's intense. In other words- this guy gets you going and doesn't stop, he is always on your mind even if you're pissed at him.
The problem with the "boyfriend" is that he keeps you guessing. It's the cycle of "does he or doesn't he?" And it makes you wonder "do I or don't I?" You feel that he's not going to stray and that he loves you, but it's like lacking somewhere. Maybe it's because he really doesn't mind that you wanna go do your own thing, because well, he's got his own plans too. Or maybe it's because he really likes your independent streaks. But you're always wondering....and it may be that this uncertainty is what keeps the relationship going in some sick twisted way. You could actually like trying to win his attention. When you see him your heart jumps or the sound of his voice just makes you go weak in the knees all over again....and suddenly it all feels right again. The passion is there because you're working for it and he's keeping you on your toes- and then the cycle starts up all over again. And don't get me wrong, this guy is far from being an asshole- remember, he's still with you and faithful. He just seems aloof at time. But damn he's sexy....and you both vibe off each other and it works. But you're missing the tenderness....you got ample amounts of good sex, romanticism, and awesome talks...but he's not the "husband boyfriend".....and sometimes that can turn out to be more work than it's worth. As a wise friend once told me, "sometimes you just gotta chalk it up to some good booty and move on." She will remain nameless.....
Enter the "husband" type. He's just as sexy as the "boyfriend" type, but in a different way. He listens...yes ladies, he listens. And not only does he listen, but he can actually repeat back what you said last week about wanting to buy this cute skirt from Bebe. He didn't really catch your eye in the phsyical sense, but the moment he opened his mouth it was just like, "wow this guy is intelligent and can teach me things." He doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous or be able to carry you from the couch to the bedroom. He doesn't make you chase him or work for his affections. He available to you on every level, and takes it slow. The "husband" won't sweep you off your feet and instead of falling in love with him, you'll walk into it- and you won't realize it at first. The sexual connection isn't earth shattering in the beginning, but it's there and it's more than just gettin' it on and rolling over to go back to sleep. (You know what I'm talking about girls...) The sexual connection you have grew from your similar sense of humor and romantic attachment. Friendship is definitely the basis for the "husband" type...and you grow together. You're not constantly thinking of ways to spice things up.
This is not the "safe" option either! This guy is fantastic in a way that the "boyfriend" type isn't. It's not a battle between spontaneity and normalcy. But if you want to be swept away in a stormy fit of "I need you now, right now," and you need to hear, "I love you" then the husband won't do it for you. The husband lets you know he loves you without even saying it. There's no uncertainty- and well, I think that's fabulous. He loves you at your worst, and you don't have to put on a french maid's costume to get him in the mood.
Even with the "boyfriend" type the passion fizzles a bit. It's just natural once the "honeymoon" phase is over. It's how you deal with it that makes the relationship stay hot. So now that we've established who's who, this is why I even took the time to share this with you fine people....
....after analyzing a few of my past relationships I've come to the conclusion that I thought I wanted that "wham bam god that was great, let's do it again sometime" relationship with a little bit of the husband type but on my terms, when I wanted it....AND it was my own fault when these guys didn't measure up or dumped me. I put all my eggs in one basket so to speak and someone sat on my fucking basket.
I am too insecure to compete for a guy's affection. It stresses me out and makes me analyze more than I already do. The whole time I was trying to make these relationships work that were based on pure attraction alone, I was really trying my damndest to make these guys into the husband type- something they never were or they just hadn't come into it yet. All these guys were not interested because they were still wanting to play and just have fun- and not the rollercoaster at Six Flags kind of fun. I wanted the best of worlds. But after reading that article I was like Eureka! These two types don't mix. The husband type is just as sexy if not more sexy because he's sensitive and knows the real you. And this is the type of thing that gets better with age...like a fine wine, for lack of a better cliche.
SO- although it's tempting to go after the guy that knocks you on your ass and makes you feel like you scored the winning shot at the NBA Championship game with 1 second left, maybe it's that guy who caught your eye a year after you knew him, or asked a question about you that no one else has. Or hell, it's as simple as not noticing before how cool he was. If you get swept off your feet, fine, but falling on your ass hurts....think about that. You can't fall in love if he isn't there to catch you. Both types are awesome in their own right, but I think a lot of girls tell themselves they want one type when in actuality they want the complete opposite. So I tried going for the opposite of what I thought I wanted....and I'm here to tell you- I was so wrong before. The bad boy is not for me. Bad boys = bad relationships. I am loving this getting-to-know you stuff and just spending time with someone and not feeling like I am obligated to do anything. It's nice....for once, I like not chasing or being chased. I surprised myself....even if I still wonder about those bad boy types.....who can blame me?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Bandwagon or bust....


Another one bites the dust....yes I too have decided to shock and amaze the web community by giving you a little look into my life. Tempted yet? Didn't think so. That's alright- it's mainly therapeutic and I could care less who reads. Expect nothing less than entries soaked with condescension and brutal honesty...afterall someone has to tell you what's up. Might as well be me...