Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Ok so this is a place for confessions, or confusion- take your pick. The new year is coming up soon, and I thought that after recent events it's time to fess up to some of the fucked up shit that's gone on the past couple of years. I think that maybe this is purely therpeutic for myself, as in when I see this all written out, I either see that I, too am human and make mistakes, or that I am a heinous bitch, who had it all coming.
I didn't think I was really that bad of a person until I moved back home after graduating and finishing my job up in Myrtle Beach. I pretty much burnt every bridge I could have that lead me back home. Not all of the were my fault either. I'm not just saying that either because I hope not all of them were my fault- I know not all of these burnt bridges were my fault.
Anyway, so we'll just start a list- and at the end of this "therapy session" I will hopefully feel better or atleast no where to start in mending my flaws, if it's even feasible to do so.
OK, so I was told in a roundabout way that I'm the type of person that people need protection from. "Ouch....go on," I reply. (Really I'm not bitter I'm just laying this out as it was laid out to me, of course with my own analysis- this does not mean that I understood the true meaning behind this- again it's my interpretation.) Alright, so I get the "well when you get around your friends it's total drama." Now, I'm taking that as someone needs to protect themselves from this group of girls because we start drama. Cool, I can handle that. It's not our fault that my closest high school clique were that close. I sure as hell did not go around trying to ruin people's relationships despite what a couple very misinformed sources may think. We were in high school and who is truly ready for "the relationship" in high school. I think what is weird is that I had two really good friends in high school, like long ass friendships. One ended for reasons I'm not really sure of. I'm not mad at her, I don't think she's a whore. She just needed to get herself together and I couldn't stand by and watch what was going on anymore. And also, I was at a different school and we just truly grew apart. But I love her to death and I know she's back on track now. Not to sound like an asshole- but I'm proud of her. We went through a lot together and got into some crazy shit together. I wish we could've both gone to the same school, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. Another point- I remember being a senior in high school and listening to my ex-friend's mom tell her daughter and I that we would be making a mistake by not going to the same school as each other because we need each other. Ok I see your point, and yet I raise you a I'm set in my ways, and if we should really go to the same school, then she'll come to Wesleyan. That didn't work. I almost transferred out my freshman year only to get dicked over on an apartment situation. Live in Morgantown alone? I don't think so, fuckyouverymuch. So I stayed at Wesleyan- best decision for all involved parties. Here's another thing- all my friends came to vist me, in a completely dead town that was a peon in comparison to places like Morgantown on gamedays and weekends. But still, they came to see me. I never really said thank you. I never once said wow, I never realized how much you spend on gas and no to mention alcohol to come party with me. Sure you sleep on my floor or whatever (___) but still, I never thought to make friends my freshman year of college because I had my two friends, one of whom visited every weekend and was my going out buddy. Then I introduced her to a guy and they hit if off great and the rest is history on their end. But I was going through relationship after bad relationship, feeling left out and taken advantage of for a place to shower and pregame before the frat parties, so I got mad, sure jealousy was a factor, and ended a four year friendship. The next two years were off and on, and we kinda got over the stupid shit or so I thought. I felt like she had changed into someone I didn't know. And I guess I should've just been like, "Ok she's happy, people move on, people fall in love. It's not your time so get over it." But no, I sucked. She didn't make it any easier either. I heard one side, the saw actions that contradicted it. So forget that. I just kinda let us grow apart with out any hesitation. THEN, like the last fucking minute after my junior year, I make the mistake of talking to someone- in all honesty- about their current situation. Regardless, it didn't get very far, and I wanted them to leave (other people were there too, to corraborate my story. ) This person is not happythat things are going differently than planned as I'm schooing them out my door, and then about four weeks later, I'm a completely horrible person and deserve nothing in life. What a bunch of horseshit! I don't hear shit from you in like months and then all the sudden I'm the one who is the parasite. It took two. I really just wish the truth would've came out. I didn't have it in me to fight, because there was a line and I was dragged over it, but still a line was crossed. I didn't set that situation up to happen, I walked by it and got yanked in. I stopped it too once I saw where it was leading. But no one will ever believe that. SO fine. I really think that was for the best- and two years later I still feel that way, although it did cost me a wonderfully turbulent friendship that will still rival many of the "Greats." I saw wonderfully, because that was why were got along so well- we could always make it through the turbulent times- until this last bit of turbulence set our plane into a downward spiral. I have shed a few tears over it believe it or not. It bothers me that I will get married (maybe unless i'm truly doomed) and there will be an empty place at the altar where she would've stood. I will probably leave a space just incase. "Life is too short," as the saying goes, to hold grudges. Ah, I wish you the best of luck.
I don't think my friendship is completely over with my other BFF from way before. I got an email no too long ago, and I was sitting at my computer staring at the 6 lines over and over again. Should I respond? I thought "No." Two days later I thought I needed to. I responded and it felt good. The last time we talked I was so angry at her. I took out my frustration on the wrong person. I kept my cool, but treated her like some sort of nothing. I regret it all the time. She is a follower- a good kind of follower though. The kind that always boost your confidence and wants you to succeed and will follow you anywhere to make sure you can achieve anything you put your mind to. A little crazy at times, but fun as hell. She needs you as much as you needed her. I didn't realize it until recently.
For crying out loud, this has gone on long enough. I shut this person out of my life, because they didn't even try to call me to find out what really happened. I knew how those two could talk about me; they ratted each other out to me all the time. And it was all the same stuff- I'm too bossy, I think I am always right, I think I have the best advice, I think I'm smarter. NO, people I don't. Outside of the advice part, I really don't think that highly of myself. God, I'd never get out of my house with a head that big. Do you really think that I cared so much for myself and so little for you that I would put my happiness ahead of yours? Not likely. I may have been the loudest voice in my group of friends, but I was surely not its life force. That misconception was something that formed out of god-only-knows-where and probably fear. But fear from what, I don't know. Jealousy wouldn't touch it, we were best friends, or so I thought. I protected my friends and thought I was pretty loyal. We all make mistakes, but I never denied messing up- on the contrary I was usually the one who was tattling on myself. But also- you made mistakes too. You hurt me, and I hurt you back, tit for tat. I hurt you and I got it two-fold. I have racked my brain trying to figure out how to fix this shit. I can't come up with anything at all. It's be done. It is what it is.
I have caught up on some of what's going on in your lives through word of mouth just like I'm sure you have with me. It's a small world for sure. I think I'm blinded sometimes. I have such horrible luck in my own personal relationships that I use my friendships as a crutch. I know they will be there for when I fuck up and maybe that's why I'm the one people need protection from. It's not done on purpose. Notice how everyone is fine when I'm in a relationship, but once it starts going bad, I'm gasping for air and begging my friends to give me strength. It's not attention I want. I want you to fix me. I want you to tell me what to do and then do it for me because you know I can't do it on my own- no matter how much I think I can. When youre friends with someone, you know their flaws- you would never call them out on it, but you're aware of them and you step in when they need you and say nothing, then back out and let them think they did it for themselves. I am hopeless, have no idea what to do with my life. My plan was on course until about 7 months ago. Now it's not and there isn't anyone to help me because I don't have anyone and no one has me. It was a two way street and we all chose to go in opposite directions instead of meet in the middle.
Does any of this shit keep any of you up at night? I just want my girls back. I want to be able to go out and know that someone's got my back. I miss the long calls with frantic "what should I do's" on the other end of the line. I loved shopping together or just watching the entire first three seasons of Sex and the City in one night. Where did we go wrong to finally reach that point of no return? It can't all be my fault. It is really in such disarray that we'll never make heads nor tails of it? Am I even missed as a friend? Was I that horrible to you all the time that I really did have it coming?
I don't think it's bad to be home, feeling like you were once again in high school. It's kinda like a security blanket warm and familiar. I just hate how different it is now. I used to think the phone was always for me whenever it rang. Now I don't even pick it up anymore because no one knows I'm home and if they do they don't fucking care. It's not other people who need protection from me, it's me who needs protection from myself- and my constant analyzing. I thought I was a good person- sure I have flaws, but I didn't think that they were so bad that I wasn't worthy of a second, and third chance in some cases. I gave so many second and third chances. Why am I left behind waiting for some resolution, that probably will never come. My door is always open, my phone is always on. I'd call, but I know that the verdict was against me. I'm not putting myself out there to be put through the wringer again. I would love to just clear the air, just so everything is on the table. Here's my side, there's yours. If they agree fine, if not, that's ok too. Just know above all else, I never meant to hurt anyone, and I never thought that one-upping someone was the way to go. I am human. This is me. Take the good with the bad- but don't shut someone out with out at least hearing them first. If forever depends on it- never speaking for ever, never sharing stupid/sad/funny moments together, or never sitting on a porch when we're 80 talking about how fast time flew- then a few minutes of talking things out would surely be worth it to me.
Maybe I'm wrong- and assume that there's a huge grudge- larger than it really is. Maybe lengths have been made in my direction but I was just too scared to notice or too busy to notice. But I have confessed it all- I'm a weak person. I made mistakes that I never apologized for. I let some of the most important people in my life walk away because I thought there was something bigger and better out there for me. I lost more than I won. I never broke even. I took my defeats gracefully on the surface, put plotted revenge that I would never ever succeed in gaining. I'm just as flawed and just as lonely and confused as you are. I'm admitting it and asking to be given the chance to start over, either as friends or as two people who once got into some crazy shit back in the day but are now just acquaintences. I parked my car a hundred yards past the middle, will you come the rest of the way?

Sunday, October 22, 2006

No talky-talky...

Well this has been a month of realizations and rude awakenings. I moved back home, took an LSAT class, and tried to get my life in some sort of order. I miss the beach, but not the heat and since those two go hand in hand in South Carolina, I guess it was time for a venue change. I spent most of the month of September in Morgantown crashing with my girl Dawn and occasionally hitting up some of the bars. I survived a WVU football game, a car accident, a dead deer, and the fear of knowing I was in over my head- well I'm still working on the last one.I have been trying to figure out where I want to go to law school and more importantly what school will even take me. Sure I'd love to go to Michigan, Harvard, Yale, whatever. But I'm trying to be realistic. I am about to start working for a lawyer in town so hopefully that will go well!More importantly, since about graduation day- six months or so ago- life has moved at a ridiculous pace. I cannot believe that I graduated, moved to an entire different state, and I'm now back home....living in my parents' basement. I know it's not the end of the world and almost everyone that I talked to this weekend...we'll get there in a minute...said the same thing. They lived at home for 1-2 years before getting their shit together and finding a job. I have nothing against living at home. I am thankful my parents are cool enough to let me do such a thing. But I just really wasn't planning on not being in school right now. I had a plan, which I always seem to think will work out no matter what. But I also know that my "plan" is not iron-clad and it only takes one particular thing to throw it off course. I seriously hear myself talking to other people and offering them the best advice I can possibly give, and then I turn around and completely do something I never thought I'd do that against any advice I'd give anyone else. Practice what you preach girl! No, no, nothing illegal or anything like that. But shit, I just wonder why it is that I'm so easily influenced by certain things, when I'm telling people to hold fast to their dreams and do what makes them happy and whatever else that rolls out of my mouth. I think the proper terminology for that would be "word vomit." And it's even worse when it's alcohol-induced word vomit.Case-in-point: This weekend was Homecoming weekend at my college. And yes being a graduate and reletively close to where my school is, I had to go. My baby diamond is living up there and we needed some <> time. I also unfortunately missed like half the people I wanted to see like Dawn, my twin, sisters that I haven't seen since they graduated before me. A whole laundry list of people I just really wanted to catch up with but didn't get the chance to. So that really sucked. But I had a good time for the most part outside all the drama. Thankfully it didn't really involve me, but just knowing some of the people who were involved in it makes me wish that life were simpler. There was a whole lot of things going on, and Siber and I made it to one homecoming event. We didn't even make it to the football game. We're horrible alumns. Whatever. People have changed drastically in good ways and some bad, and some changed and thought that things would be different than they were when they were students....only to find out that everyone still sees you the same way no matter how much you may think you've changed. I didn't see any barfights thought, so that's always a plus. It hadn't been that long since I had been there, but it seemed like I was on the outside looking in. And of course I just have to comment.People I never thought could ever make a mistake did, I watched in stunned silence as people tried to get involved in relationships, friendships, living arrangements, and parties they just didn't belong in. It was like I was watching 1500 alumn versions of Madonna- all reinventing themselves with each new place they went to. It's as if these people just thought that in two days anything they ever did to anyone or had done to them would surely be forgotten. It's like the saying, "you never remember who you hurt, but the people you hurt never forget." How is it that people think peacing out for 6 months makes it ok to just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation about god-only-knows what when you never, never liked them to begin with. I hope know one notices that blank stare I get when I'm trying to look like I'm listening when really I'm not. I've practiced it many times. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. It's probably what you're doing now you're pretending to read this entry. Hopefully not.Anyway, I seriously just wonder where some people get off doing the things they do. Thankfully we were only there for two nights, because there would be an all-out street brawl if some of the visitors had stayed in town. I'm glad no one slashed any tires, since that would have only delayed the departure. I found myself sitting with Court and Jen taking up for someone I never thought I would take up for, because she was so rudely disrespected and I had just about had it with the whole situation. But it was none of my business to begin with so I should have just kept my mouth shut. (*I'll slap my wrist for that later* ) There's no fun in that though. We needed a microphone so we could give a play-by-play report or something. I will definitely stand by what I said too, that situation was just about the most desperate display I had ever seen- it even outshines my own stupid attempts to get what I thought at the time I wanted. I've done some stupid shit too- I believe some of it's even documented. Go me.So why is it that when we come closest to being the most comfortable with our current situation for better or for worse, it's really then that we're the most uncomfortable with it? I had resigned myself to just dealing with the way things were and being happy I had what I did. But now I'm not happy. I started off my weekend with shitty news and it just spiraled downward in a gale-force fashion from there. Maybe it wasn't supposed to have this effect on me, afterall, it is just a weekend where the old come back to see the new, watch some football, get drunk, and then go back to the real world on Monday, but I just felt like I was being pulled in a different direction than I thought I'd be and it made me start thinking. And we all know where thinking gets me. In a mess. I'm now more confused about what I want than ever before. It's nice to talk to people and see how they've been, it's nice to get advice from those who've lived it, but all this just confused me. There's just too much to decide on and maybe even too much to give up or have taken from you. I don't know why I feel like it all has to be figured out now or with in the near future, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. And like I told my baby <> tonight, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, a sign, or something that will give me some help. I just hate that currently I'm floating- towards anything? Nope. Any ideas where the wind may take me? Is it even blowing?....as I lick my finger and place it to the open air to see if I can feel something. What if I made the wrong decision, and even worse what if the decision was made four years ago and I can't go back and fix it. The last two days have been full of well-she-seems-to-be-doing-fine-maybe-it-isn't-so-bad's, and a whole slew of other thoughts and random questions. It's weird seeing people that you thought were in love and would be married by this time, stroll in with someone else on their arm. It's weird seeing people with the same degree as me doing something that has nothing to do with political science. It's even more weird...maybe sad?....seeing people still acting like complete assclowns. For the most part, everyone seems happy. I'm thankful for that. But there's still those people that just never grew out of the drama and it came in with them, and never left the mind's of those who were scared to death it would come back to rear its ugly head. Intimidation is a good word I guess. I know it changes with each graduating class, but it was really easy to see that the people who thought they had control or influence didn't have it anymore. They definitely didn't seem to like it much either. Major shit-talking went on...it was hard to sit at a table and have your own discussion with out hearing someone at a nearby table or barstool talking shit on someone. It's kind of funny too though, but still if half of what I heard is true, then damn, we probably should nix all homecomings from now on. Too much drama. Court, Jen, and I did our best to just talk to non-drama sources,such as baseball players, close acquaintences, or people with their significant others, because they were safe and didn't show any signs of flipping out and attacking anyone. I get a flash of that scene in Mean Girls when everyone goes nuts after Cady attacks Regina. Sometimes when you're with your girls you just want to be able to talk about whatever in peace and not worry about outsiders adding in their opinions. I tried my best like I said no to join in and a couple times was not successful, but I just have to give my opinion on stuff even though I know I shouldn't, but my crowd was not in the middle of any life-threatening scandals this weekend- so it was all good. Maybe I'll make it back next year and try my luck again..maybe not.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Beach Baby

Hello and long time no see. Yes I know I am a bad blogger for not updating recently. I really have been swamped at work. I have a job now kids! Yay! I'm living in Myrtle Beach and working for an internship company that works with resorts here to give interns a chance to learn on-the-job experience. Most of the students are hotel management or hospitality majors. About 80% are international students aw well. Ok now that I've 'plugged' my job, let's move on.
Has anyone ever been to Bike Week? Ok well I successfully made it through Bike Week and Black Bike Week. Bike Week is mostly the Harleys and what I was told, the 'real' bikes. Black Bike Week is mostly what we term 'crotch rockets.' Both equally loud and both equally have the potential for danger. South Carolina does not have helmet laws unless you're under 21. The worst part is that people come down here and rent these bikes and don't know how to ride them. The first bike week- 121 accidents and 6 deaths last I had heard. The second week I didn't hear anything but I damn near killed someone myself. They whip in and out of traffic like maniacs and I wish I had a dime for everytime a car slammed on its brakes. I'd be loaded. But now that those are done with I won't have to hear about anymore "Beer Belly Contests" or "Finest Mullet on the Beach" awards. But what I do have to deal with is Senior Week. I know what I did on senior week and that's all that needs to be said. We all were either really laid back or these kids can out party an 80's hair band on a world tour. They can't drive or see with "Senior '06 Get Crunk" painted on their car windows. They wear absolutely next to nothing and wonder why locals are taking pictures of them with the zoom on. They act like their 'just graduated' status means they can drink anywhere- news flash: try this again when you are a senior in college. I'm not amused. Here's a funny story....if you're under 21 pay attention so you don't make this same mistake.

So my manager and another supervisor went to Beach Vacations- the time share company that we rent the interns apartments from. They walk in and their are too young black girls trying to check in to their apartment with 1. fake ID's, and 2. their parent's credit card. Oh they came such a long way too......so long that you'd think they'd have time to memorize the birthdate on the ID (which they didn't know) and maybe to read the rental agreement where it states in no small print, "you must be 21 to rent or lease." Also you can be under 21 and not have someone who is 21 staying with you. Duh. I can see why the ID thing didn't work. Who ever heard of a fake ID working in broad daylight in an office building? Maybe at a bar where the lights are dim and the doorman is drunk, but certainly not at 1:00 in the afternoon. Stupid!
So of course, they had come so far and now had no place to stay for their rockin' week of partying, so they flipped out on the front desk clerk. From what I'm told hands were flying, made up names of 'important' people were dropped, all ending with a very calm woman behind the desk saying she is calling the police. Well that really did it, because they stormed off. About 10 minutes later they come back in crying and apologizing and wanted to know if their uncle came down and put the room on his card if it would be ok. Sure girls- will he be staying all week with you? Here's where you're supposed to enter a very emphatic YES. Not these girls (who at the moment represent all we know of the future of America for the 2006 school year, and from what I know- we're fucked). They reply, "Well no he's too old. He just lives two hours away and was going to drive down and check us in." Stupid!
Welp, no room then. We'll give you your deposit back and good luck. In less time than it takes to blink, these bitches start flipping out again. I wish I was there. The scene is so easy to imagine. So the cops came and took care of the rest. But come on....you asked for that one. Obviously they were not taught the art of bullshitting like I was in high school. You don't get any props for being honest here. Stupid!

I flew home to get my car last weekend. That was an experience. I had three flights- Myrtle Beach to Charlotte, Charlotte to D.C. and D.C. to Charleston, WV. First flight was awesome- DVD screens at each seat for movies, drinks if you wanted, nice smooth flight, the couple next to me wanted to share their breakfast with me. Then I get to Charlotte. The smallest plane I had ever seen fly out of a major airline. It was freezing on the plane, some assclown was in my seat (I'm a window girl.) and I eventually just took someone else's seat. For some reason I was scared to death. I was doing the whole Hail Mary, counting in intervals based on my knowledge of the multiplication tables, and deep breathing. It all paid off until the last 20 min when I thought my right ear was going to be sucked out of the other side of my head. I know your ears are supposed to feel a little pressure, but I shit you not- I almost cried. I'm chomping gum like I'm on E and nothing is working. Finally landing with tears in my eyes, I walk into the airport and wait an hour and 15 min for my next flight. This airport is gross, p.s. So it's time for my flight and I look out the window of the gate and realize God has trumped me yet again- this is the smallest plane I'd ever seen come out of a major airline. I was like oh cool who chartered a plane? Apparently I did, along with 20 other people. That's right the max was 25 people on this one. So as we ware boarding I'm taking inventory of everything. I had to duck to get into the cabin, which was less than 9 feet wide. The aisle was about a foot and a half wide- I don't know how this one lady got in there. So I find my seat next to a guy eating some greasy thing that made me want to hurl. Then the flight attendant graces us with her pressence and asks if some of us could move to the back of the plane- for weight distribution purposes. I literally blurted out, "you've got to be shitting me." After the red shade of embarrassment left my face, I buckled my seat belt, belonging to a seat in the back of the plane. The plane began taxiing down the runway and I begin counting once more. And we're in the air. Three minutes into the flight the planes tips to the left at about a 30 degree angle and stays that way for half a century- maybe 2 minutes- but it felt like forever. I wasn't the only person looking around like something was the matter. Then the plane started shaking, so bad that I couldn't read because the only thing holding me in the seat was my seat belt. Not once did anyone alert the passengers that things were ok. So naturally we expect the worse. We had Joe Schmoe making jokes about the turbulence, and some chick trying to call home 'just incase.' As soon as we land I wanted to jump out of the plane and scream "LAND!" as I dropped to my knees. I didn't stop shaking for an hour.

So I will not be getting on any planes soon...I'm still rattled.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Here she is.........Miss Buckhannon!

Well I must say: now that the buzz of recruitment is over it's time to move on to more pressing matters of the college bar scene: The Miss Buckhannon Pageant. Oh lord, you have no idea. Actually it's not a real pageant, so you can stop getting your resumes and headshots ready- you don't want this crown.

Scene: The lights go dim, the orchestra is warming up. All the sudden the stage lights flash on and William Shatner, or someone that looks like him, comes to centre-stage. Oh, the crowd "ooo's" and "ahh's" for tonight....is the night! *Cue cheesy pageant music*

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The 2006 Miss Buckhannon Pageant live from the K-Lounge along with satellite portions of our competition from stages at Ledbetter's and the Pickled Iguana!"

After a quick opening number to Sweet Cherry Pie the contestants are finally done straddling their boas and have returned back stage to get ready for the first part of this evening's competition....

Shatner: Ravishing! All ravishing! What lovely women! I cannot wait to see what unfolds in tonight competition!
Joan Rivers (really the lady with horrible emphysema): That's right Will! What an amazing bunch of ladies we have here with us tonight! All hailing from the bustling city of Buckhannon, WV, they are sure to razzle dazzle us with their talents and most of all- their beauty. Thankfully this is not a 'scholarship pageant' or we'd be in trouble!
Shatner: haha, these girls aren't hiding shit with their 4th grade reading level.
Joan Rivers: Alright, let's get down to business....we have narrowed down the contestants from 15 to 5. Let's begin with evening gown competition and then move directly to the talent competition.
Shatner: Good idea...wait...what? *covers microphone with hand* what the hell are you saying....I can't read lips bucko? OH OH.... *uncovers mic* I'm sorry folks, I would like to take this time to thank our sponsors! The Donut Shoppe, Wal-Mart (for these LOVE-ly decorations, and the Buckhannon Bowling Lanes- thank YOU for your sponsorship.
Joan Rivers: Well since we're thanking our sponsors- why don't we let our viewers at home know what our classy lasses are competing for?
Shatner: Oh you are a clever one aren't you?
Joan Rives: Oh you don't know the half of it. Look at my face- I am the mirror image of intelligence!
Shatner: oorrrr the mirror image of a woman who's been tucked and pulled to the point sheer madness. If your eyebrows got any higher you'd have two receding hairlines! But who's counting?!
Joan Rivers: *covers mic* I'm going to gut you like a fish after this shit is over...WELL here's our divine divas now!If chosen as our new Queen the lucky lady will receive $100 in coupons from the Phillip Morris Company to purchase cigarettes of her choice, along with a crown furnished by the local Burger King!
Shatner: oh fabulous! First up....we have Miss Main Street!

Ok cut. This is where I come in. It's my blog therefore it's my freakin' pageant. And I'm commentating the damned thing. So really that was all set-up for this crazy ass semester we've been having. The whole point of this- as with most of my past writings- is to call some people out- and since it's the Buckhannon Pageant.....you guessed it, we're going to be talking about townies and bars. College students to count in this too because we are transient townies whether we like it or not...at least it's not permanent. We might as well just call this 'The Townie Trend Spot'....I know you are on the edge of your seats; let's get down to business:

Up first on our runway (ahem, Main Street) is Miss Havisham.
I swear- it's not because I just finished reading Great Expectations in my Lit class....it's because this chick at the K-Nasty looked like Miss H. It was like I took every possible speck of what I had imagined her to look like from the reading and threw it on the corner bar stool with a pilled wool sweater and a Virginia Slim 120. Heavily blue lined eyes and white shadow completed the look along with 80's throw-back black stirrup pants and 10 bangle bracelets. I just don't understand why women cannot dress and apply make up to their age. It doens't mean looking old. If you apply makeup like an 18 year old you're going to like an 18 year old.....only aged 75 years.

Oh my gosh, everyone look...it's "I can't dance and wear mom pants" lady. *Smacks head* Ok so again we're at the K-Nasty. These three women (I'm guessing this was a 'girls' night out?') are downing 'cute little fruity' drinks and smoking cigarettes like they have never seen one before. Not to mention they're Kools. You'll get to smoke a cigarrette out of your throat way before the Vagina Slim's Lady. So there's a rule at the K-Lounge: no glassware on the dance floor. Why? Why do you have to do that to them, oh wise owners of K-Lounge? Don't you know people love to drink on the dance floor. $20 bucks people consume more alcohol dancing than they do sitting at the bar. And I'm shocked that drunk people can't pass sobriety tests when they get pulled over. I'm driving by thinking, "Hey didn't I see her dancing earlier?" So anyhow, these three chicks are dancing and they're doing this weird tootsie roll-esque thing where they slowly invert their legs and do the "Whoomp There It Is" round about thingie. They obviously must know what "it" is that we all were "whoomping" to back in junior high. Not to mention, if you ever wondered just how one wang chungs ask them, they were wang chunging all night. The key thing here is the outfits. I gotta hand it to them- they weren't dressed like slutty moms or anything, but notice how i said moms....they were all about the layering and the mom pants. Gold shiny tacky fabrics and wrap around sweater sets. Ugh....

Before we leave the K-Nasty, let's not neglect the people in the bathroom. First off: if you really have to go- and I stress really really have to go- don't worry about putting your cigarette out. There's asstrays IN each stall. The stall door is acutally about shoulder height to me. If you're talking to someone in the bathroom you gotta make sure they're atleast 3 feet away or they're gonna see over the top. How classy is that?! Alright, so I really really have to go. My roommate and I walk in and there's my favorite scene playing out: a chick fixing her makeup that has traveled down to her cheeks (from dancing?) and the token bathroom find- the girl who's crying. Most times we don't care why, who, or what self-inflicted situation she's gotten herself into this time. All you know is that she's crying AND she's in your way. What to do? What to do?

Me: Hey...umm excuse me...er..uh...sorry..me, bathroom....please?!
Her: *sniff sniff* Oh I'm sorry...*sniff sniff*
-----she doesn't move----
Me:Ok...don't mind me...*shoves past* hope everything's ok
---so i get to the stall and close the door and notice the level of the door. Great. I can see her...she can see me. FAB-ulous. Not to mention, I NEVER sit on public toilets. I have great balance and can hover with the best of 'em. But this door is SO low. and the distance between the door and the edge of the seat is literally a foot and a half. Oh god...ok...STOP CRYING I CAN'T CONCENTRATE! Ah....much better. Ok...now that I'm washing my hands I am home free. Oh no wait. It's let me tell you why I'm crying girl. OK she's a sweet girl. I was sincere when she was telling me what was going on. I genuinely cared- I've been there before. Fucking boys. But then later they're seen talking again and all that crying in the bathroom means nothing. I dont know it's none of my business. I just feel like I wasted 6.32 minutes listening to that shit if you're not going to do anything about it. Kick him to the curb girl or stop bitching.

Ok...just across the road is the new hot spot in town. The Pickled Iguana. Watch out there's a door man. It only seats about 15 people and there's enough room in the back for about 4 to play pool. BUT they let about 40 people in. Mad house. Shitty watered down drinks. That's why whenever at a place like that, I always go for bottled beer. You're guaranteed 12oz of uniform hops and barley. I've been there once...for about 10 minutes because the bartender was freakin me out and there were a bunch of bikers coming in. My favorite part about the Pickled Lizard is hands down the bathroom. Why you ask? Well, for one it's clean, or at least it was the first weekend it opened. There's hairspray and body splash on a little shelf too which is wonderful if you smell like a bar and hate the smell of smoke. After that the whole place goes to hell in a handbasket.
The bartender......apparently believes that if they make it in your size it looks good. She apparently does not think she's a centimeter over a size 8 either. She has a tattoo of a butterfly on her left breast...which she bases her outfits off of because they are low cut and way too tight. She even found a strapless bra for those melons! I'm impressed, seeing how I myself am far from flat-chested. However, it looks as though she took the Aqua Net company serious and literally has her hair so shellacked it could probably be throw into the ocean and yield a nice day's catch.
Next- the bar-top dancers. Will ye ever learn? Just because they have high ceilings does not mean it's a definite invitation to dance on the formica. When two drunk girls get on the bar it's like watching a drunk seasoned Cirque de Soleil performer walk the tight-rope. They begin with grabbing each other in ways they'd normally slap a man for attempting in between shouts of "I'm SO wasted." Then sporadically they stumble to the left and then to the right, and almost fall off before some dirty old man "accidentally" grabs them to "keep them from fallng." Ew. Dance ON the floor. What goes up must come down. I'd rather come down about 5 feet than fall almost 10 feet to the ground (when you had the height of the bar and your height).

Moving on, fashionistas we have so much to discuss!

Ledbetter's: my bar of choice. I heart Dusty and Casey. Good times are always in the equation as the night unfolds. So after I showed the door man my bank card for my ID (hey at least he knows I'm not skippin out on my tab!) I find my license and we are admitted. What? $3 pitchers? We'd be much obliged! We find a table and start drinking. And all the sudden I get this creepy feeling that we're being watched...oh wait we are. It's the jealous bitches at the front table. First off I didn't hear the song "Boom I got your boyfriend" playing when I came in, so turn the fuck around and stop looking at us- two guys and two girls sitting at the same table?! News flash- it happens.
I love it when girls talk about people and look at the person they're talking about while whispering about them. Who taught you to gossip?! See, the way I learned it was you did the "point and laugh" thing with out the point. If you're looking at me while you and your ugly friend are talking about me chances are I'm gonna see what you're doing. Why don't you just skip the bullshit and come tell ME why you just have to talk about me and my hot roomie. It's so obvious....and it's not cool. If I want to talk about someone this is how I do it:

*I'm sitting at the bar with Court and all the sudden I see someone do something be it strange, slutty, funny, cute or otherwise.....*
1. Take inventory of what I am seeing (in my head, not by glaring, staring, or busting out into immediate laughter- gossipping is done with more than one person- don't cheat them out of a hilarious retard making a fool of themself...they deserve to know too! If you gossipped alone it would just be 'observing.'
2. Give Court a nod as to say "hey I have something to tell you"
3. Court leans in, or if they are far enough away not to hear, I just start talking
4. I explain the 'object' and my feelings on it
5. We laugh our asses off....or another appropriate response. Laughter is sure to follow 99.99% of the time. The key here, is that the laughter is timed perfectly. We laugh only after leaning back to our normal places and take a slight pause, then erupt into a loud laugh.

Notice how I didn't mention anything about pointing, getting closer for a better look, or totally swinging around on your barstool to alert them to what you're doing. I'm not gonna lie- we talk about everyone. I have never been shy about that one. But if you're going to do it have some tact. One time I was at the bar and this person- who shall remain nameless for those of you with bad deductive reasoning skills- was talking about me and the best part of all was that I had my back to her getting a drink at the bar and she was literally right behind me. There's only about 4 Courtneys on this campus: one is me, one is my diamond- who is beside me- and the other two were not there. She also used my last name and my office. So yeah it was definitely me she was talking about. Nothing says "you're busted bitch" like being stopped mid-sentence when you come face to face with the person you are bitching about. Then as if it was a natural reaction, she hugs me and tells me how I'm doing such a wonderful job! Get a life....transparent bitch.

OK so back to the staring problem at Ledbetter's, these two girls who were talking about us did the chain-reaction gossip. This means they say something, the other person looks, then she looks again, then they tell someone else and they look, she looks, the other girls look, and bam...everyone within a 2-mile radius can see they're talking about someone. And just by following their line of vision you can see that it is us for sure. It took everything I had not to make a turn around motion with my finger then flip them the bird. I wish people still had polaroid cameras so I could have taken a picture of us and then dropped it off at their table with my autograph on it. Hey, I will be famous one day....

My next favorite townie- the ones who cannot seem to stay on the bar stools. It's as if they just forget they're not sitting in a normal chair. Most barstools you have to step up a little bit to get into them. These barstools in question have high backs on them and people still manage to fall off them. I dont get it. And when these babies fall they fall loud and hard. I also enjoy the person that falls out of the barstool then looks around real quick to find someone to blame it on and then goes, "Duuuuude...you knocked my stool over. What the hell?!" More like, "Duuuude....your candy ass is too drunk to sit in a chair, put your nasty exposed thong back in your jeans, go home and let someone else sit at the bar you waste of space."

Next up: Sage Coach.....is it just me or should it be STAGE Coach? There's western shit all over the place. Someone told me that the owners last name was 'Sage' and if so fine...makes total sense. This place used to be a theater then a bar called Club Chemistry- and trust me there was no chemisty unless you were 15 and liked to dance on a stripper pole while your dad's co-workers bought you shots all night. (It got busted and shut down.) So anyhow, big place, kinda nice. Big dancefloor- stripper pole is gone. The bartender is about 5 foot nothing, weighs about 85lbs, and I shit you not she could give Chuck Norris a run for his money. Super nice, but she doesn't take any shit.
They have this bar top table that is set out from the actual bar and it's like a run way for trampy townies. I especially vomitted in my mouth when two girls - one fat- and one with a skirt on hopped on that table and started dancing/stripping/groping/chugging drinks. It's bad enough that her friend's shirt keeps climbing up to show her stomach, but seeing that this girl's ass as she parades around on the table in a skirt is gross. Townies are gross.

So who's my winner? Who gets to be crowned Miss Buckhannon 2006? Come on now.....you think I could honestly pick between so many over-qualified candidates? Haha...not a chance.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Hitting close to home....the real off my bid list

Back by popular demand: here's the real deal kids....

#1: People who talk shit about my sisters in our Suite. Come on....are you kidding me. Think what you want, you're fully entitled to your own opinion. But do not talk shit on one of my sisters. Especially not my granddiamond Carrie. WHO does not like her?! If I could have gotten away with it I woulda stole all of your invites. Off my bid list...obviously.

#2: The "I just got out of gym class"girl. I know this sounds entirely stuck up and snobbish- but dude, Old Spice couldn't take care of that stank. Uh....oooooffff my bid list.

#3:Speaking of stank....this one is coming from a year or so ago. Ok, we're all nervous, hell we are prob more nervous than you are...but we still keep it together. You on the other hand did not. And daaa-yum. You think keeping a straight face when a senior citizen goes down in Wal-mart's parking lot is hard? This was 100 times harder. The old person probably can't hear you...acutally they probably can't see you either; but the "source" can definitely see and hear you. That was miserable.

#4: "Hopefully they won't find out _______ (insert terrible or nasty event) girl." This girl may be super nice, heck you might acutally think she's a great fit. Until the day after the second rounds of parties. Then it's like "she did what?! With who?! On what street?! Who drove by?!" Yeah all kinds of wrong. Take a hint from Paris Hilton on list #1: if you really have all that money, buy a decent reputation...or hook up in non-public places. Off my bid list. (That's a picture of Main Street, Buckhannon)

#5: "If I dance like a hoe maybe they'll notice me girl." No we won't. You'll just draw attention to your freak-nasty dancing. Here's a tip- the next time you're dancing and this guy comes up behind you don't lean forward and grab the nearest support beam in the basement. Turn around and slap him- who the fuck does he think he is coming up behind you like that? Eww. It's nice that you have long arms....but no one asked you to be the turnstyle at Chi Phi to help keep losers out. If that's the case then I think you'll serve better at the front door and not in the basment corner. Get off my bid list.

#6: The bitches who just have to scream everytime "their song" comes on. Gosh I hate these people. Most fraternities play the same songs over and over. Why? Because it's their house and they can do whatever the fuck they want. Chances are if a brother likes a song- you're gonna hear it ...a lot. So if you like that song....awesome. You have something in common. Maybe you should IM him about it Sunday morning....nah he probably won't give a shit. Seriously though, no one likes a screaming drunk bitch. If dogs can hear your high-pitched squeaking that puts the sound barrier to shame, then we definitely aren't going to be interested. Go away.

#7: The Lush.....do I even need to go into this? Ok I will. I absolutely LOATHE this chick. Normally I wouldn't give you a beer, but I am feeling like I should be nice tonight. Karma's a bitch so I wanna keep on her good side. Ok, so you ask for a beer, cigarette, couple squares of toilet paper because your stall's empty- fine. That's the end of it. No I don't want to be way-super-best-friends. Why? Because I saw you coming a mile away bitch, that's why. It's a beer today, a cute shirt tomorrow, $20 bucks here, a place to crash there.....then you took my man and I hate you. You think you have your system all figured out: ask her, then get another beer from this guy, flirt with his friend to make him jealous so he'll give you more beers to make you think he's the cooler friend, then you come back to me 5 beers and a runner in your pantyhose later because you're out of beer and want a ride home. Start walking, if you woulda put out earlier you'd be home by now, or at least in bed- maybe not yours but hey beggars can't be choosers. And I however, choose to keep you off my bid list.

#8: The girl who thinks she going home with your best guy friend. As if I would let that happen. It's the shoes, it's the ugly shirt, it's the fact that your eyeliner is on your upper lip. You're drunk. And I know him- he'll chew his arm off tomorrow before he woke you up to leave. Did you miss those death stares I was giving you? It wasn't because I wanted him for myself. It's because you're gross. I usually pick who he goes home with anyway...because I'm great at setting people up. Take a number....that's low on my bid list. Oh wait...you're not on it anywhere.

#9: The girl who thinks she can make out with a guy my friend is dating and get away with it because they're locked in a room. Haha, think again my skanky sad excuse for a human being. This one is so closely related to the #8 and #9. It's so funny because it's like she had been stalking her prey for weeks. Just when his woman leaves town she swoops in like an owl on a field mouse and bam. He's wasted- and probably was never 100% faithful to begin with, but he and my girl have been having a good past couple of months. This slut was probably holding the beer bong and it was probably someone's 21st- so all the more reason to get really fucked up. This guy is on his way upstairs to call it a night when she follows him in because she "left her coat in his room" and then...we don't need to go any further. So back to the rest of the party- we saw your ass go up those stairs after him. We also heard you screaming that you were gonna land him tonight, in between your screaming out "I LOOOOVE THIS SONG." Also- you just forgot that the only person out of town is his girlfriend. And we're gonna tell. Good luck....you're going to have such an awesome reputation- an awesomely slutty reputation. Off my bid list.

#10: The game ender. This girl is so obnoxious that she can't see there's a game going on. Be it Superbowl, baseball, whatever. Nothing pisses me off more than a bitch who keeps interrupting my beer pong game. "Oh you want this ball? Don't you need two to make it work?HAHAHA" Just ask Lance Armstrong. He doesn't need two to make it work and neither do we- I need at most one beer pong ball- two is ideal. But it's been done before with one. I will let that drunk bitch have one....but when she takes the second one and then says the same lame-ass joke about needing two balls, it gets ugly. I didn't ask for a guest or celebrity shot. If I had, it woulda been someone like Kobe or Jordan. Not you. How many fingers am I holding up? Oh Oh wait there she goes *everyone's head follows a body collapsing on the floor* ..... you're on the floor now aren't you? Oh yep you sure are. Stay there until the game is over.

#11: The girl that obviously needs to go home. Ok so it's her fault she drank so much. But it's embarrassing to her to make her stay there and get more wasted when she was done hours ago. There's pictures falling over, games being interrupted, people grinding on her, she's just falling over again and again. Take her home. She's yelling to go home. Take her ass home. We're tired of picking up cups and apologizing for her. You're a horrible person for putting your friend's welfare below your quest to have a good time.

#12: The girl that keeps shoving a camera in your face and yelling, "take a picture of my best friend and I!!!!" How many fucking best friends do you have? And do they know that you pass that term around like it's nothing. I have maybe 3 best friends. Why because they're my BEST friends. There are tons of other people that are my favorites and I love them dearly, but my best friends are my best friends. Also- how have you not dropped that camera a million times? I don't want to take your damned picture. I want you and your beer breath to take about 10 steps back and stay the hell away. I especially love it when you take a picture for someone and they look at the LCD screen and go, "no no that sucks take it again!" No please, no would you mind? Just Take it again. How bout you take a bitch slap. That's what I think of you and your ten million best friends. You are drunk and sweaty from dancing. No photographer in the world can make you look good. Oh you also spilled beer down your shirt....or is that sweat? Get off my bid list.

#13: The girl who bumps into you and in the process spills a drink on you. You're asking to get told off or hit in the face. Keep ahold of your beer. If you can't then don't drink it. That's a red flag for "I'm drunk." You have no idea how much I spend on clothes. I understand accidents happen. But you can't even stand up. Or even worse, you bumped into me on purpose. Then you're gonna get your ass kicked. Let's say I pissed you off first, that does not warrant you ruining an innocent outfit. Unless you're wearing hoe boots in any color but black or brown, no one deserves that to happen to their clothes. I'd much rather have a word match than have something ruined. We'll arm wrestle, but if you think it's funny or cute to spill something on me or drop a drink and break a glass- think again. You will be face down out in the snow. This one time, a stupid girl did this to one of my sisters, and before she knew it her off white shirt was red with jungle juice. That's worth the alcohol abuse. Just a warning...duct tape your beer to your hands or you're going to get soaked. It's like throwing stones in the old days, but we throw beers. And we also threw your bid away.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Off my bid list #2

Well now that we've taken care of certain people who are listed below- I thought we should now move on to other matters of business- fashions that will get kicked off my bid list. Imagine 2 girls at a bar, near drunk, who are very bored and started talking...then imagine three girls hanging out, bored, who started talking....this is what we came up with:

#1- Chunky shoes.
So we are all guilty of wearing chunky-ass clod-hopper shoes. It's something we've all come to terms with and have moved past...well some of us. I remember in high school when we all wore those huge shoes with jean skirts and she-who-had-the-chunkiest-won. So fast forward to college: why are people STILL wearing them?! Did you miss the stiletto memos from 2002-present? Now, wedges are coming back in style...notice how I did not say chunky shoes. Wedges are different. If the whole sole of your shoe is the same width the whole down then my friend, you are wearing chunky shoes. Stop. If in fact there is a variation of width between the heel, the arch, and the base of the shoe- then keep on trucking my wedge wearing friend. Chunky shoes = off my bid list

#2- Mom pants
Did anyone see Oprah two weeks ago? Well obviously not everyone did. Mom pants: "the above-my-natural-waist" waistline pants. Usually tapered as well. Oprah had it right when she asked all clothing manufacturers to stop making tapered pants. They add weight, make you look like an upside down triangle and only mean one thing- you're a mom.....is that what we really want for ourselves? Come on girls, boot cut and slight flare only. Your mirror will thank you- and so will my bid list.

#3- Camel Toe
There's even a song about this horrible occurrence. Court and I were at the mall on Saturday and this woman (obviously a mom because her gaucho pants were above her belly button) had to have been in pain. It was like she took a sharpie marker and drew a "V" on her body from the waist down. It just looked painful. Stop with the camel toe. It's bad to look at and most likely unhealthy to wear physically. Off my bid list.

#4- White shoes after labor day- unless of course they're sneakers or you're a guy.
I've got no beef with white kicks. If you're playing ball or you've got some kickin' newbies- fine. But when you blantantly go out wearing white heels it's not happy. Off-white yes. Winter white-yes. But it's not good when you're whole outfit is one color and then you throw on these god awful white shoes that could be mistaken for reflectors that are usually seen on bikes or runners at night. (Reflectors serve a purpose, unlike your piss poor choice of shoes) Forest Gump said it best: "You can tell a lot about a person from their shoes; where they been, where they go-ing." You, white shoes, are going NO-where.

#5- Blazers
Worn correctly- they look classic and complete the outfit for an impeccable "I'm with the times and look like a lady" ensemble. Wear the wrong size, shape, or length and you look like Jackie O. with an obesity issue. See, I don't wear them because my boobs are huge and there's only one that looks right on me, unfortunately I decided not to buy it. There is however a blazer for us all. It's just about finding the right one. Stay away from too-busy patterns- it magnifies you like the Hubble Telescope.

#6- Tights with Jean skirts
Oh I know- it's freakin' cute. I myself enjoy tights with jean skirts. BUT- again it's all about the right look and pairing the right skirt with the right tights. Length is key- if you are wearing a knee length skirt- loose the tights. It draws the eye straight to your thighs. If you're wearing a shorter skirt go for it- because it draws the eye to your entire leg- which is good. I've seen this hit-or-miss trend way too many times. Don't do the skirt and tights thing 4 days out of the week. It looks cute on everyone if done right- but it's ridiculous when you're walking to class and ahead of you are 4 girls walking together with skirts and tights on; then you look behind you to see the same thing. Which brings me to my next victim:

#7- Metallic sequin purses
So cute at first- until 8 and 9 year olds started buying them. They come in all sorts of colors sure to enduce visual epileptic seizures. The smaller the purse the better- but if you are one of those girls who enjoys the large purses- please don't get one with sequins all over it. And also- don't wear the damned thing with sweatpants and a hoodie. These are meant to be worn out- not for everyday use. Off my bid list.

#8- The hairstyle that involves making a large bump at the crown of your head or Faux Hawk
Again this is super cute- but wow can it go overboard. If you're having trouble getting under clearence levels on the turnpike then it's too high. Exaggerating this style can make you look really stupid really fast. I've seen great examples and then I've seen girls who look like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary. *Smacks forehead* Off my bid list.

#9- Pants with the ass ripped out
What's the sparkly thing on your ass? Oh wait those are the sequin panties you bought on purpose to go with your jeans that you "accidentally on purpose" cut holes in the ass. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE wants to see your panties. Seriously people even guys will say this is true. They will agree that it's kinda hot- but they'd never do anything about it unless you're into one night stands. Leave something to the imagination. Jeans with holes in the knees or other strategically placed areas are totally fine. Sitting in class and being blinded because the sun is reflecting off your badonkadonk ass- not cool.

#10- Speaking of asses: Thongs hangin out and crack shots
Ok, no one said you had to buy jeans so low that you literally sit out of them when you sit down. It's wrong. Don't wear that shit to class where you know you will be sitting down. If you must wear these extremely low pants- sit in the back of the class. It's not attractive and it is gross. Can you not feel a draft? And a lot of times girls pull their thongs up so they are sitting on their hipbones. If you do this- drop out of school and be a stripper. It's fucking gross. I cannot stand it when people's cracks or thongs are showing. It's not ok. Pull up your pants before you plop down in your fucking desk. I had a teacher in high school that used to send girls home for that shit- only after she made a clear point to make sure everyone in class knew her ass was hanging out and how gross it was. GROSS. See the other chick in this picture? She's like, "Oh god...not another one. I think I might cry." I bet the chick whose ass is hanging out is probably humiliated because her ass floss is on google images. GOOD. Get off my bid list Ass-clown.

I'm sure I will get beat up in the Campus Center for this one.....oh well- it must be said.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Off my Bid List....

Ok so with rush (or recruitment as we at Wesleyan must call it) coming up I thought I'd give a little preview of who would not make my bid list if I had control over that sort of thing:

1st up: Paris Hilton
OK this girl is like a size 2....BUT she wears like a size 11 1/2 in shoes!!!! Not to mention she's a whore. Any one with all that money could at least buy a decent reputation. She obviously is not that smart. She's off my bid list.

2nd: Lil Kim....
Is she even out of jail yet? I lost track of time. Pasties are not meant to be seen...unless you're a striper. Maybe she should've yanked up the side of that jumpsuit and lost the my little pony hair cut. Off my bid list.

3rd: Mary-Kate Olsen
I don't think our jersey would fit over that retarded hat. Let me guess- she's a badass.....nice shades Dracula. OFF my bid list.

4th: Trishelle from the Real World- Las Vegas
She would be fun to party with, but she's already slept with everyone at Wesleyan....I'm sure of it. Not to mention this bitch is not a team player and she cries too much. Get off my bid list. Funny story- my brother saw this post and asked me first what a bid list was, and second if Trishelle was in WV....he's worried that just her presence in WV will guarantee he'll get an STD.

5th: Winona Ryder
First mistake- she dated Johnny Depp- and that's enough to make half of American cry.
Second mistake- shoplifting- she'd probably steal stuff from the Suite. Definitely off my bid list.

6th: Angelina Jolie
She kissed her brother, wore a vial of blood around her neck, and although she DOES like black- she's a bit too crazy for us. AND, I'm sorry, she's a homewrecker. Off my bid list.

7th: Oprah
If she let's people jump on her couches, then she'll probably let people jump all over her. And we don't jump on our furniture. We need strong, independent women....but then again she could pay all of our dues...might have to rethink that one.

8th: Kate Moss
If she is thinking about rushing I think she's got her priorities mixed up.....she needs to EAT. Maybe next semester- off my bid list.

9th: Dora the Explorer
I cannot stand this fucking bitch. "Holacita! Aye! Aye! Aye!" No thanks. I know what your next expedition should be: find some other friends besides that damn monkey and stop talking to your fucking backpack! OFF my bid list.

10th: Barbie
I know, I know Barbie?! But really though, this chick is old and way overdone. She's a mermaid, then a princess, then she's a race car driver. I think she might have multiple personalities. It's hard enough to get along with 65 sisters, but imagine how hard it would be if one of those 65 sisters had 65 personalities of her own? Whoa...off my bid list.

11th: Britney Spears
Yeah yeah....what a sell out. I cannot believe she took K-Fed back. She should kick that bastard out of her house and stop paying for his illegitimate children. He's probably fathered like 20 kids. Seriously- this guy was a father 2 times in less than a year. He must be going for a record.
Also Brit- you used to have the best fashion sense. What gives? Are you gonna show up with Ugg boots and a torn up mini skirt smoking a cigarette with little Sean Preston on your hip? When you start dancing with snakes again and stop being a tool.....no nevermind OFF my bid list.

12th: Lisa Rinna from Dancing with the Stars
Ok, save some collagen for the rest of us. She might have to fill out a separate interest form for herself, and then one for her lips.

13th: Paula Abdul
Ok...old Lakers dancers- cool
Secretly wanting Simon Cowell- not cool
Having an affair with a contestant, then denying it? Definitely not cool.
Suing a nail place because you got an infection from your super long acrylic nails- ok ok...
You are not forever "our girl"
You, no-talent assclown are off my bid list

14th: Jessica Simpson
Is it chicken? Or tuna? If we give her a bid we'd have to give her loser shadow, Cacee Cobb a bid too. And I can't take those two. Nick, we'll give you a bid. You can my Pi guy anyday.
Jessica- You ruined the Dukes of Hazard! You spoiled bitch.

15th: Gwyneth Paltrow
Normally she'd be a shoe-in, but she named her kid after an inanimate object. I cna only imagine what she would she put on her jersey! An Apple a day keeps your bid away! Off my bid list.

16th: Michael Jackson
He's trying real hard. I mean he looks more like a woman than a man...but he also has a scary resemblance to Peter Pan, who was once played by Julie Andrews on Broadway, so again a woman connection. He'll probably be in court on bid day anyhow, so Michael- you're off my bid list.

17th: Camilla Parker Bowles
Obviously I don't support homewreckers, because she's the second to get kicked off the list. But come on- you really think Prince Charles is hot! Ewwwwww!

18th: The "reproduction" chick (Allie G.) from this season's The Bachelor
We know she meant well, but someone obviously did not tell this girl how to make a first impression. "Hi, my biological clock is ticking...really loud...please pick me!" Yeah we weren't buying it either. She also can't take "no" for an answer. Did anyone else notice how much taller the bachelor was next to her. He almost had to bend at the waist to say she freaked him out with the baby talk. Maybe you should consider freezing some of those last few eggs so you can actually have a real first date that isn't based on your reproductive woes. Next!

19th: Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple
You all remember Olmec, the sometimes witty, more often than not, annoying piece of rock that ran the game. I don't even know why they had that other dude co-hosting. I really wish that when those temple keeper guys jumped out and took the kids back into the set that they really fed them to Olmec as a sacrifice. Those kids were so stupid. Green Monkeys, Purple Parrots. I'd be pissed if I was on the Purple Parrot team. OOh parrots! I'm so scared. Come on, Olmec- you could've made that game so much cooler. It's not like he could really hold a conversation or answer any questions at a rush party anyway. You have been removed from my bid list.

20th: Mother Goose
That's just like you fucking Puritans- make up some stupid ass friendly old lady and then scare the shit out of your kids so they'll go to church more lest they end up like Humpty Dumpty (not the Humpty Dumpty that had the Humpty Hump song). I swear if my parents were like, "Hey Courtney eat all your porridge or London Bridge will burn down," I'd be like, "good Mom, London smells and who the fuck thought it was a good idea to live on a bridge. Cripes people, I know it was only the 1600's but shit, come up with some better stuff. Mother Goose- here's your walkin' papers.

21, 22, 23, and 24: Hugh Hefner and girlfriends #1, #2, #3:
OMG....are you serious. Hugh Hefner is n-a-s-t-y. The ultimate playboy just hooked himself up with three women whose combined age is still THREE years younger than him. He is old and honestly, thank god for viagra. I have half a mind to believe that Hef was the inventor of viagra back in the 80's when he realized he was almost 50 and was still playing grab-ass with stupid bitches in bunny suits. Later he decided he could only have sex 50 times a week instead of the normal 100 so he let the rest of the world in on his little secret miracle. Did he not ever think that 99.9% off the women he he hooked up with were just hoping he'd put them on the cover of Playboy? He never was hot. He's got a ginormous house, throws great parties, but come on...I hope #'s 1-3 are ok with wiping his ass for him and spoon feeding him in 10 years. And what's worse- apparently girlfriend #1 is the favorite of Hef, and she is ok with him bed hopping with #2 and #3. I can only imagine what the breakfast coversation is:
#1: Did anyone see Hef last night?
#2 and #3 (simultaneously): he was in my room..
#2:WHAT?! He was in MY room!
#3: Noooo. he was in my room!
#1: I thought he was in the pool house.....
#3: I live in the pool house!
#2: Wait...you live in the pool house AND you have the right wing of the third floor?!
#1: But I'M the #1 girlfriend!!!! (storms out crying)
#2: Hey I can share..this is sweet ass house...
#3: Yeah...whatev....pass the milk please...

Hef owns you....two of you have great degrees and this is what you want for your life. Dumb move....ALL of you are off my bid list....